Day # 35 – Thanksgiving

Today I spent a couple of hours at my parent’s for thanks giving. Other than my sister not being there, it reminded me of the old thanksgivings when I was growing up. The food was great, the fellowship was wonderful, and the food very tasty. We watched the Lions Bears football game, and just like the pathetic city itself, the Lions lost. Oh, and my wood burning set along with books came in this morning.

Well, I have an admission to make. I’m all screwed up in the head and in the heart. I just don’t know what to do with myself any more. I sleep most of the day and am up all night. And when it’s night, that’s when I start thinking about N. I feel like a pathetic mess with no life left. My mom offered to take me to church Sunday, and I’m going to take her up on it – that is, if their vehicle is back from the shop.

It isn’t a matter of “how to get over N,” but instead of the fact that I do not want to get over her. So I’m screwed in the heart and in the head. It still amazes me how quickly she changed and tossed me to the side. In a matter of two weeks it went from her not wanting to divorce me and missing me really bad, to all of a sudden I’m the worst thing that ever happened. I don’t understand it.

I’m officially miserable. All this stuff – the television, the wood working stuff, the rugs and what ever else my parents plan on giving me means nothing compared to her. I’ve never been materialistic – never. She’s what’s most important to me and I wish I could figure out a way to get her back, only, I can’t. I can’t make her do anything and the changes of her coming back are growing slimmer and slimmer by the day. I’ve even started giving up on prayer. It just seems that God doesn’t listen to me any more.

The only thing I’ve ever been good at in life is f*****g things up. My lot in life is to be alone for ever – surrounded by people I could care less about (not counting my parents). I’m back to hoping that I get cancer or something so that I can leave this horrible evil world. It’s going to hell right before my eyes anyway. This isn’t the world or country I grew up in. It’s Sodom and vile in so many ways. Next to God, N was my light.

FML

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November 26, 2021

*hugs* Happy Thanksgiving love.