Day # 36 – Nothing has really changed

I’m still in the same mindset as the last entry – if not worse. I sent N a long email of which I’m sure she didn’t read, and even if she did, it probably didn’t make a difference. She’s around her Mormon family again. I wonder how long she’ll hold on to biblical truths. As for me, I pray every time I go to sleep for God to take me home. I don’t want to be here any more. All I ask is that it be in my sleep, or from cancer where I’ll be doped up so much that it won’t matter. I won’t kill myself, that’s murder, but I don’t want to be here any more. I’m useless. My testimony is ruined, I don’t have the strength to get out of the house for very long, can’t drive… there is no purpose left in me, no joy. Just existing. N was who I was living for, fighting through all this pain for, putting up with multiple procedures, surgeries, seizures, ambulance rides, so many IV’s that it’s like I have the veins of a heroin user. Not to mention all of the horrible medicines and their wonderful side effects. Now I’m no longer waiting for death, I’m actively wishing for it. I no longer look forward to each new day. I look forward to sleep with the earnest hope that I never wake up.

What use is there in life for a home bound invalid with a broken heart.. scratch that – a torn apart, ripped out, stomped on and pissed on heart? Hell, I can barely walk 50 feet.  I truly wish that I had never been born.