Entry #37

I’m skipping the “day #” titles now since I haven’t posted for a while. A lot’s happened, and a lot hasn’t. I found out the other day that about two weeks or so ago that N was in a car accident. It was pretty bad but she wasn’t seriously injured. How did I find this out? Well, My routine is that when I wake up, the first thing I do is check my email. My mom had forward an email correspondence between the two where N mentioned it. She went to the hospital and didn’t tell me at all. Her excuse? She didn’t want me to worry….. I have no words. I wrote N and texted her, because I was feeling three things all at once – fear for her, anger because she didn’t even bother to tell me, and sadness at the realization that this is truly the end. She won’t respond in texts, but only via email. I can only assume that this is because she will try to use my emails someway during the divorce. Anyway, I said to get on with the divorce. I told her I still didn’t want it, but I know that once she sets her mind to things, she’s as unmovable as… well… I’ll just paste what I wrote.

That’s the impression you have been giving me, of what you think of me. I’m wondering why you’re keeping this to email instead of texts… records to submit during the divorce? Do you know how much the news of the accident scared me and hurt me at the same time? I know you don’t love me anymore, but I love you so much! Well, with the truck, I think I know why you asked for the mtg cards now. Look N, I don’t hate you, never had. But this hurt me that you didn’t even want to tell me. Like it or not, we’re still married, and even though you don’t love me anymore, I love you and that scared the living day lights out of me. What hurts the most is that you didn’t even care to let me help. I’m glad the Hamster is helping you out. At least someone is taking care of you. I can’t take this toll any more on my heart or emotions. I’ve just now thrown my hands up in the air, thrown in the towel and am giving it over to God. I give up. You’re obviously not coming back, no matter how much I pray, no matter how much I love you and forgive you for the hurtful things you’ve said and done to me. It’s apparent you won’t forgive me either. But to keep the car accident from me is probably one of the most heartless things you’ve done in these past two months. I’m glad – overjoyed – that you’re ok and nothing worse than bruises happened. Obviously, you want this divorce really bad, so please, get it over with. My heart needs to heal. I don’t want it, never did, but I know you, once you’ve e set your mind to something, I can’t think of anything harder to budge, not even 50 tons of granite. But I can’t keep living every single day with what feels like a dagger plunged deep into my heart. Heck, I was going to send you flowers from “Bill” on your birthday and invite you on a date to the new Matrix movie. What a fool I was. I guess I really thought God brought us together for a purpose and a reason, not this. It’s all for naught. I hope you heal quickly and fully.

So some background, there is a past with “Hamster.” I know he has a truck. We used to play Magic the Gathering with him until I put a stop to it for reasons I won’t post here. One of the last times we talked face to face, I asked her if she wanted the Magic cards. She said no. I told her I didn’t want them either. So she said to go ahead and throw them out. I did (note, I did not find the folders with all the spare cards in them, around a thousand cards, so I can only assume that she grabbed them in her rush to get out of the house as I was leaving the hospital). The only ones we ever played the game with were us three, other than on the rare occasions she visited her brothers. Now suddenly, she’s driving a truck and asking me for the cards (which were already tossed out). I can’t prove it, but I have a very strong suspicion that there is something going on between her and “hamster.” So, that pisses me off too. At least she can divorce me before she starts screwing other guys!

The “Bill” I mentioned was for this year’s valentine’s day. I had ordered flowers to be delivered to her and mentioned a date that night. The dumb lady over the phone put in Bill as my name even though I spelled out my real name. It used to be an inside joke.

Yesterday I got an unexpected call and visit from a person we used to do bible studies with about a year ago. She said that her boyfriend noticed my CL posting for a live in caregiver and wanted to know what was up. She was in the area and came over. I hadn’t seen her in a year or so. Well, I told her the story and she updated me on her family. She offered to take me to church (great news) and I told her to wait until I had money for gas. I also told her that I’d like to do bible study with her and her family again. I told her that I need it… cause well, I do.

Oh, anyway, that stuff with N, it caused some hardships with me and my mom. I was angry and didn’t know how to respond… so I was angrily texting my mom, and as my mom usually does, she jumps to all sorts of conclusions and crap, accusing me of stuff, etc. Also, I had sent her an email stating that now that N lost her car, she’ll probably want to sell the house, and that if I lose the house I’ll be screwed. My mom said she “accidently” forwarded it to N. Thanks mom.

Well, if I do lose the house, I will be screwed. I have no credit, lots of debt which will take anything I get out of the house deal and with rent going up like it is, I’ll never be able to afford a place, take my cats with me, etc even if I could pass a credit check (and no, I won’t). I can’t live with my parents. They’re impossible to live with. And also, that means that there will be no more wood working for me. So basically, I’m screwed. The courts always find in favor of the woman, and the way N has played the game, doing the bullsh!t thing while I was in the hospital and claiming in front of two social workers that she was afraid that I’d hurt her (which she later recanted in person to me, as she was visiting me alone at my house, leaving it my word against her’s and the two social workers), everything is sizing up for me to be screwed all over again, just like my first marriage.

I am stressed to the max! I’m so pissed off at N right now too, but the really messed up thing is that I would still accept her back is she came back sincerely sorry and wanted to try to make this work. I know she won’t, but why do I still have that forgiving attitude? I feel like she’s about to strike hard and soon.

So right now, I’m scared out of my wits, have really no hope, and just have no idea what the future is going to bring. It looks pretty damn bad. Why the HELL does she have to do this to me?

Both my mom and my friend said that the reason everything probably happened was because she quit her job to be my home caregiver and that it usually ruins marriages unless they’re really strong. I wish I knew this ahead of time. It would be nice if my hick of a state would actually pay a decent wage for caregivers. I mean seriously, they’re paying HALF of what burger joints are paying these days! I needed N home to take care of me because I could NOT get caregiving anywhere else!!!!

My mom is accusing me of lacking faith in God… well, maybe she’s right. She doesn’t have a clue to the depths of my hurt and if she even realized how screwed up my life is, and what is probably is going to happen, maybe she’d understand. If God wants me to start having faith again, He needs to start working miracles, and FAST! I’m sinking here with lead weights tied around my ankles.

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