Not enough time

I am impatient these days: there is not time enough in this one llife. I need more lives; I have made plans already for three or four. I could easily expand to ten or twenty, all full-flavored, ardent, interesting. Full of curiosity! Looking into the sciences one after another, traveling to unexplored places, not only geographical, but psychological, social, economic; reading all the good books I do not yet know, and in all the languages; meeting every interesting human being then alive and with leisure — with leisure!– to know, to talk, to love, And to write! Time to write, and having written, to rewrite. I have enjoyed this earth; the only flaw is that my time here is too short.

David Grayson, “Under My Elm”

Ah, how true indeed, this passage from one of my favorite writers, the inestimable David Grayson, author of “Adventures in Contentment,” Adventures in Friendship,” and “The Friendly Road.” I first read his work 25 years ago after a very difficult period in my life when I was returning to some sense of normalcy with a new job and new apartment. His moving words in those books transported me to a realm of peace and inner contentment I have never forgotten. I can’t quite explain it as the effects of the books were so deeply personal.

I can relate so much to what he says above. I look at all my hundreds of unread books lining bookshelves and stacked on the floor and realize that I, too, would need more lives to accomplish all the reading I want to do. In years pastI had even less time than most people I know because when I was home from work all my time was taken up being on call or alert to my mother’s needs and wants as her caregiver. It never ended until bedtime at 10:15 or so. After supper I tried to read a bit on the sofa in the living room, but my attention was quickly lost when I heard my name called yet again.

So, I feel time is even more precious than ever now, especially since I have so little of it to devote purely to my books, for example. And even if I did have more time, I sometimes wonder if I would be able to resolve to use that time in the best way possible. Unfortunately, even late at night I am distracted by trivial things on the Internet or become lost in surfing and skimming numerous articles, most of which I forget as soon as I have read them.

And, like the author, I think of all the traveling I could do and all the interesting people I could meet on those travels. I want to gain that desire to travel and explore now that I am retired and no longer caregiving.

But who can even think of the future, really? At my age now, I often find myself marveling at all I have packed into this life I have lived thus far. I have been blessed to have had a number of interesting jobs at which I have met and known some of the most fascinating and memorable people. True, the time I knew them was short, but I remember and think about them even today, 30 or 40 years later. I guess this is the kind of thing one contemplates after a certain age and when you have more time to think and write. People say “Don’t get stuck in the past.” To which I reply, “I AM my past. Not revisiting it frequently is unthinkable. The past is a huge repository of memories. In the present I am creating new memories, most of which are lost as quickly as new experiences take their place as brief moments in time.

The encouraging thing for me is to realize that I am still as vitally curious about life and people as ever. I don’t foresee this ever changing. As a former journalist and teacher, and now as a writer and photographer in my spare time, I have always been interested in learning, writing about what I have learned, and photographing the world around me. The hundreds of interviews I conducted during my newspaper days which ended in 1991 — those alone constituted an education in and of itself as did the half dozen solo round-trips by car across the country and the years spent in graduate school.

Life is an endless series of learning opportunities. My last career/job from which I retired in 2017 after 23 years involved constantly retrieving information by way of the computer and digital technologies that have so rapidly changing our world in the last two decades.

I can truly say that I am swamped with unending opportunities to learn each day. Thus, I should be content with whatever I can learn, savor, and enjoy in the days I have left, and which now pass so rapidly. But, like David Grayson, I feel time is short, especially since I have already lived, what to me has been a good long life already.