I have no plan for this diary, I don’t know how long I’ll be using it, but I really like doing it, so, while I’m using it, I wish to use it in a productive manner.
I wish to use this entry as a stepping stone in the unending battle against myself.
I have a bit of a problem when it comes to dealing with emotions, I find myself either being so emotionally stunted that I am unfazed by any sort of event be it positive or negative, or completely unable to control an emotional impulse and completely falling victim to it, and I understand that the people around me notice how this two completely different sides of me struggle to coexist.
I think I should give some examples.
It was the last year of high school, and I was on the bus with some classmates, the bus suddenly stops, there had been a car crush, a driver fell asleep while driving and the van went hugging a tree.
I remember clearly how people were more surprised about me turning pale then the actual car crash.
Or another time, still on the bus, I recieved a call, from someone, I don’t remember clearly who, telling me that a dear friend of mine had died the night before.
I started crying, and still, my other friends, were shocked about me showing emotions.
I don’t exactly know what caused this problem I have with them, but since then I started to work on getting in touch with my emotions, and it kinda worked, perhaps only too well, if before I could not make an emotion slip, now it happens that this emotions are too strong and I am unable to hold them back.
And sadly, one emotion that does this in particular is anger, and this scares me, a lot.
I am not exactly a little boi, I’m 1.90 meters tall (or 6′.3” if my ability to convert meters into feet is still there), and my fear is that I could hurt someone if I don’t learn how to control my anger.
I’ve heard of so many men and women who end up hurting their significat other, or their children in a moment of anger, and I do not want to become one of them, I do not want to hurt those I desire to protect.
When I was 14 I started training under a pro boxer and his nephew, I did not want to go professional tho, I just needed somewhere to work out, keep in shape, and many friends went training there, because they wanted to go professional (no one made it tho).
And my trainer told me that I could make for a wonderful fighter, I have quick reflexes, good instincts, and I’m physically strong, but he could not force me to go professional if I did not want to, and then told me that people with the gift of a strong body, must not use it to hurt others, but to protect what they love.
And I do not want to let him down.
I do not wish to let my former trainer down, he was so sad when I had to stop, but this is a story for another time.
So this entry is my stepping stone, a memento, because starting right now I shall work to learn to manage my emotions, not to become emotionally stunted once more, but to learn how to have a normal and functional relation with my emotion.