Bundle of nerves wrapped in ribbons

The rest of this week has been a wreck of nerves, I took it off as holiday and cancelled all my plans so fortunatly nobody had to deal with me 🙂 or I with them.
Theapy on Wednesday was cancelled, but I retrieved my bycle which I had left in a random place in the middle of the city lol and for once nobody had nicked anything off it, Success! I slept fot most of the rest.  been trying to sort stuff out in my room house when I’ve had the energy i really wish need have to stop living in as one my friends? put it in a pig sty he doesn’t know that I know he said that. Hes not wrong through.

My friend rainbow convinced me to go to my friend who I pissed off on Monday’s house warming which was yesturday on fridat. I made cookies, lots of cookies people seem to enjoy them which is good. Other than the fact I was in state of anxcessness for most of it which didn’t go I kept giving myself self excuses to go out, pick up other guests from the train station (also see useful) She seemed to of sort of forgive me, for it I think. I’ve yet too. I give the little version of my self mean looks, and she sulks ashamed of what we did. we still understand, but it was bad of us.  My theapist has been encouraging me to imagine a younger version of me and for me to take care of her, instead of been mean when I/we fuck up. how very Freudian? I think.  *googles*, yes well maybe super-ego(child) vs ego(adult), part of me is wary of trying to analysis too much, but I enjoy knowing, understanding. seeing the canvas the patterns of how things came to be, well of none personal things of ego/intellectual things. I’m also wrong a lot.

What worries me, is  I tried everything under the sun to make me relax at that party, I even left and ran for a bit in the rain. :/ the only thing which eventully made me was when allowed myself alchol 😐 I was good, I didn’t drink much but yea.

Today.  I tidied more an never ending battle, played a pc game grim dawn which I’m addictied too of late and this evening I painted a glass heart my ex gave me as valentines present· It was once filled with red dyed water I loved it, for past I’m not sure how many years now I’ve been watching the water slowly evapourate. I, tried to make a crack with gold paint and filled it with disgusting green dye water lol.

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