Splinth of pain

I stare out my office window and despite my vertical blinds, I’m squinting. A bright white sun in a pale blue sky bleaches the green of the grass and evergreens, fades the rust of fallen leaves. A few cold spells have caused the leaves to drop, but the weather remains warm and our lawns are still growing.

Because of this blessing of weather, this gift from God, my seasonal affective disorder is as much at bay as its ever been for this time of year. Still, it is present.

Down deep, inside. Like a core gone bad, heartwood emptied by some ill worm. It hurts. Not the emptiness itself, but the awareness that I am hale and healthy and have no cause for sadness or discomfort, and yet sadness lurks. That dichotomy causes the splinth of pain around which the core-rot appears to fester.

But I only notice it when I’m given cause to. Just keep me busy doing anything and I’m fine. Or, when I’m given cause to feel sad, or feel deeply, and the void becomes apparent. It opens, and I fall in.

A couple of evenings, a couple of weeks apart. I curl up in my recliner with an afghan and shut out the world, distract myself from myself by watching DVD after DVD until I’m too exhausted to hold on.

Then, I sleep. In the morning, its usually better.

However, on any given day, I’m as fine as ever. Maybe a little bit more scatter-brained, but naught else.

What’s a splinth?

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December 3, 2007
December 9, 2007

I was thinking that very same thing… what’s a splinith? maybe it’s kind of like a splinter. The biblical version. You know how you get one in your skin and it gets all red and puffy around it? Things always get better as they got worse. When I have those kinds of days I try to think of what I’ve got going good for me and realize that someone out there may have it worse.

December 10, 2007

Spllinth? I small but intolerable amount of pain? Sounds like it…but I have no earthly idea. RYN ~ *LOL* A pulse…that’s good! I really like that answer and in a way your correct because it does fit. My answer is rain.

December 24, 2007

I just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas!

I am sorry the time of year is apon you again. The DVD therapy is one of my faves too. My partner has had to learn to sleep by the gentle blue glow of the TV and bless him he buys/rents/finds movies and series for me so I have something to keep me company when he is collapsing for some rest. You are missed my friend but in a funny way since you are still in my heart ***HUGS***