Grappling

I’m still grappling with that stroke diagnosis…

The thought of having a stroke is scary.  The thought of having a series of them and not knowing when it happened is even scarier.

The scariest thing is me.  I have to make some major lifestyle changes–all at once.  None of which I really want to do (if I’m being honest).  It’s something I have to do–and I lack willpower like crazy.

–sigh–

This is where a sabbatical would come in handy.  Lock myself in the house with no car keys, no cigarettes and only healthy food for a couple of weeks.  That might do the trick.  It would be a start, anyway?

You know what I really hate?  When people tell me I’m “lucky” because these weren’t major strokes and I got a warning.  I get what they’re saying, but I’m not really feeling lucky right now.  I view this is as a shit sandwich.  Sue me.

Another shit sandwich is my job.  Things continue to be slow dead.  I get paid by commission, not for my time, and if this continues, it’s not going to be worth it for me–especially considering how I’ve been feeling and my limitations.  I may as well stay home.  I’ll give it some time but in the 21 years I’ve been doing this job, the only time I’ve seen things this bad was after 911.  It’s crazy!

x

 

Log in to write a note
April 7, 2018

I had a small (the damage looks pretty scary to me) in the brainstem. No idea when it happened. I just was shown the hole there by a neurologist a couple years ago. The fear remains. No stroke is “lucky” no stroke is “ok”. Be gentle with yourself. Change gradually. Trying to force a hard fast change is more stressful than just changing as you can manage. Hang on tight. I think you will be ok. VENT when you need to. I’m listening.

April 7, 2018

I agree with the last comment You are not lucky. You are downright unlucky to my way of thinking.Yes you need to vent, yell, scream, whatever. (I felt like doing that this morning as I felt so unwell.)Gradual changes are much better than fast ones. I made rapid changes with my food etc and looking back it was too quick.Take care.