A Shitty Feeling

Two of them, to be honest. 

To use some of today’s vernacular, I am “on one” right now.  Writing is my only outlet, so here goes. 

Is it backstabbing? Is it being blindsided by someone I readily trusted? Is it just something truly shitty regardless of intent?

If you’re asking me, it’s all the above. 

This coming from the person who once identified me as being “just a body”.   

This is the same person who had the audacity to refer to me as unprofessional. 

Today, the latest blow was delivered. 

Today, she had the gall to call me “a trainee”.

Let’s not take into consideration my many, many years of experience doing the job. I know what I’m doing. Referring to me as a trainee, regardless of intent, is just plain low. There’s no basis for it.  She is essentially telling me that I am useless to her.  As if to say that in some weird and demented way, my experience means nothing to her.    

Earlier today, she was upset with me and I get it, but to stoop to such a low? It was unwarranted and suffice it to say that it upset me.   

I will admit that I’ve been upset at her many times before, but NEVER have I ever resorted to the blatant name calling that I’ve come to recognize as her “go-to”.  

I know that words are hurtful and that’s partly why I don’t do it.  Rest assured that I am well aware of the damage that words can do.  I figure that if this is someone I care about, I’m not going to shit on her and stoop to calling her names. That’s just not me.

So, not long after the “trainee” blast, she and I still ate lunch together.  I say “together” only in the sense that we were sitting next to each other in the car, but beyond that, there was nothing “together” about it.  I thought that this would have been the opportunity for us to talk this whole thing through, come to some kind of understanding, and move past this whole argument. 

I was wrong.    

Rather than even make any effort to acknowledge me (after I thanked her for paying for lunch), she proceeded to peruse and watch content on her phone as she ate.  Meanwhile, in the passenger seat, I’m trying to eat lunch as I gaze ahead of me, aimlessly into the beyond.  As futile as it may have been, I looked on and looked hard for somewhere I could have gone to sit and eat, ultimately to no avail.  In some way, I was stuck there.

Do you know how shitty that feels though?  To be blatantly ignored?  To have someone act like you’re not even there?  To try and eat when you feel like absolute shit?  To have someone show you, basically to your face, that their cell phone is much more worthwhile and important than you are?  Fuck that.  I can’t compete with a cell phone and I’ll be damned if I’m ever going to try to.  Maybe her phone can give her some perspective and insight that a trainee like me apparently cannot?    

You can call me sensitive all you like and I know that it comes off that way, but you have to remember.  This is someone who claims so much that they care about me and vice versa and this is the shitty treatment to which I am subjected, even if she’s upset with me. 

I don’t know. 

This doesn’t make sense to me. 

I don’t curse this much, but yes, I feel like shit.  This is yet another one of those shitty situations that leaves me with a nasty taste in my mouth.

I don’t know what tomorrow might bring, but truthfully, this just doesn’t feel right. 

Today sucked though.  I know that much.  It just left me with some shitty feelings inside.