A Worthwhile Conversation?
Sometimes things happen whether we want them to or not. Most of the time, as has been the case for much of my life, I tend to go with the flow and react to things accordingly. For the most part, I am easy-going, tend not to be argumentative, and I’m always willing to engage in an intelligent and thought-provoking exchange, whether this is to occur in an in-person conversation, e-mail thread, or as was the case today, a text message exchange.
I don’t know what her motive was for today’s conversation, though even as I write this, I don’t know if we genuinely accomplished anything today. Maybe that wasn’t even the intent? Maybe this was a way of re-opening the channels of communication and we were able to take advantage of the time afforded to us? Truthfully, and I do want to give her some credit for how she initiated the conversation, because really, she didn’t have to reach out to me. She could have left me thinking that she didn’t care. After all, I didn’t have much to go on prior to today.
We last spoke on the night of 01/08, so we were going on two weeks without any kind of communication between us. Maybe this was long overdue? I can’t really say. Obviously, I willingly engaged in the conversation with her. I know that had I not cared about her or her feelings, I would have completely ignored her and otherwise let the potential conversation die before it even had a chance to get started. I’m not the asshole that she sometimes paints me out to be.
I was at work today, which being that today was a holiday, meant that I was collecting double-time, rather than your standard time and a half for an overtime shift. I was plugging away with my work writing, as I tend to do during my overtime shifts, when out of the blue, she sends me a text message.
So what did you want to tell me?
I had no idea to what she was referring, but I went with it anyway.
I don’t have anything to tell you.
After 11 days, it probably slipped my mind.
Well, yeah, we hadn’t spoken in any capacity for 11 days, maybe 12 technically, if we’re doing the math correctly. We saw each other a few times other last week, but this never led to any kind of communication between us. We were just kind of there, occupying space in close proximity, but we never engaged with each other. It felt weird. It felt cold. It definitely wasn’t us. I don’t know if she felt it, but I definitely did. I’ll admit it. It sucked.
Without posting every text message between us, I’ll try to paraphrase what we spoke about.
She acknowledged that we hadn’t spoken in well over a week. Being that we had never gone more than a few days without conversing, I will admit that it didn’t feel right. It turns out that she blocked me from being able to send her any text messages for much of that time. She sometimes blocks me from texting her and she has her own reasons for doing so, which I have never challenged. Sure, I’ve voiced my discontent with her doing so, but it has become our normal and I’ve grown accustomed to her doing it. Having said that, she has never blocked me for several consecutive days at a time, much less for more than more than a week straight. After I had sent her the last of those nine text messages across those 11 or 12 days, I had pretty much given up. I figured that if she had not responded to any of those nine text messages, her lack of a response WAS a response and I would just as soon let it go and keep things moving, as they say. I know not to be bogged down by that which I cannot control. That’s like constantly running into a wall at full speed. In the end, you’re not going to get anywhere and there’s a chance that your head is going to hurt.
The last time we spent time together, on the evening of 01/08, I admit that I left the car in an abrupt manner. As she saw it, I had slammed the door as I exited. I told her that I didn’t slam the door, but she apparently saw things very differently. Still, because she incorrectly perceived my actions from that night, she decided that she would respond by effectively blocking me for the next 11 or 12 days. I told her that blocking me for as long as she did really sends the message that not only was she being punitive, but that she doesn’t instill any confidence in me that I can reach out to her for anything. So, with my mentality (and even to some degree now), I don’t have much confidence that she would be a go-to for me in the event that I needed something from her. Dire emergency? Forget it. Need something or anything? Probably not. Just to have a conversation? Doubt it.
Somehow, she had convinced herself that I believed that she was a terrible and rotten person. Again, per my train of thought, being upset with me somehow makes her feel better and comfortable with blocking me from texting her and doing all other kinds of negative things to me. She said that she doesn’t wish to make herself presentable or approachable to me. She probably couldn’t care less that I can’t text her either. She has all the power in the world here because I’m helpless to her antics. I know that I wouldn’t do anything like that to her. Individual differences, I suppose.
I finally had to tell her explicitly that I don’t think she’s a terrible or rotten person. She’s not. I don’t know where she would have gotten such a mentality, but I had to tell her repeatedly, in different ways and with different words, that she is not as bad as she thinks I see her. Even right now, as if she were sitting next to me, I feel the need to emphasize that she is not a bad person. Again, she’s not.
In an effort to assert myself, I told her that I considered her actions (blocking me for as long as she did, intentionally presenting as standoffish) to be punitive.
I’m not being punitive like you like to be.
And yes, I’m sticking with punitive.
Because you let your hatred and anger towards me fuel your actions.
And then assume, that I’m not going to have a reaction to it.
And what also sucks is that you let what you thought was a slammed car door make it easy for you to block me for well over a week.
So, how am I supposed to take that?
Perhaps tragically, our conversation would end exactly 40 minutes after I sent those text messages. Whatever response she may have had, I am completely unaware. Again, my mind will wander, as it normally does in situations such as these.
While this is nothing to brag about, I will admit that she and I argue a lot, which she and I have both acknowledged in the past. Sadly, we’re good at it with all the practice that we’ve had. I have hypothesized that we argue a lot because we care about each other, are passionate about one another, and because we want to understand the other person when we might not agree on something or see eye-to-eye. When we are getting along, life is grand. Things couldn’t be better and it feels great to be alive in that moment. When we’re fighting though, life sucks. We don’t communicate. We sometimes avoid each other. At least, as is the case for me, I miss her that much more. I don’t want to say that I was necessarily looking forward to reconnecting with her, but as I proved today, I’m always open and willing to re-engaging with her. I know that I can be an asshole at times, but I made the decision today not to act that way, at least, not towards her. Today, it wouldn’t have been warranted anyway and it was never a consideration. But damn, under more negative and emotional circumstances, it could have been.
She sent me that first text message at 7:42am, blindsiding me with it in the process (because of the seeming randomness of it, as well as the early morning hour at which she sent it – mind you, I had been awake since 3:45am), and we would maintain that text conversation well into the afternoon. I’m not going to do that with someone I believe is a terrible and rotten person. Why would I waste my time and energy like that on someone I didn’t care about?
I don’t know what happens from here. I’m not sure that we cleared the air today, at least, to our liking anyway. I do know that her text message got us talking again, but I don’t know if we reached any kind of resolution. Maybe I’m overthinking all of this? Maybe the intent was for us to make up and resume talking again? Maybe we’ll reach a resolution and understanding later? In the end, yes, we found ourselves talking again and for that alone, I will be grateful.
We’re talking again, though no resolution was reached today. I guess I’ll just have to take the good with the bad on this one. It’s not a victory, though it definitely isn’t a loss.
Win, lose, or draw, I suppose I’ll just have to see what pleasantries tomorrow brings.
Man, this person seems very high maintenance. Is she worth it?
@ravdiablo I thought she was worth it. Now, I don’t know anymore.
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