All The Way Introverted

Before I hop into this entry, I wanted to thank user “deepest thoughts of a lonely woman” for inspiring it.  She also happens to be an introvert.

I honestly wish that people didn’t drain my energy the way that they do, but the problem is that I make the mistake of surrounding myself with people.  I wonder if maybe this wouldn’t be a problem for me if I happened to be less likeable?  I have reached a point in my life where I don’t care if people like me.  In true introvert form, I value being alone and not having people around me.  I don’t put too much thought into it, because in the end, I can’t always dictate who comes into my immediate vicinity or even within my personal bubble.  Sometimes I’m approachable.  Other times, I try not to be.  Actually, most of the time, I try not to be.

As I’ve said many times in various entries, I am an introvert.  When I was growing up, they used to call that being shy.  As a kid, I always preferred being by myself and keeping myself entertained, without having to place that burden on others.  This is likely why I flocked to video games as my preferred method of relaxation and entertainment.  I didn’t need anyone to enjoy them.  Just needed a console, a screen, controller, and electricity and I was good to go.

I have never been averse to leaving the house.  My introverted tendencies have never been that intense to where I feared being or even going outside.

I have no trouble engaging with people in real life, outside of the gaming world and without the use of a gaming headset.  I just don’t look to associate with other people if I can avoid it.  My social battery can only take me so far and I’ll admit that.  I can only handle people’s stupidity in small doses and sadly, at work, there are a lot of those small doses to be experienced.

I despise being involved with any kind of big social gathering where a bunch of people are going to be present.  I would sooner find a corner and try to hide in it.  Ideally, I’d find a way to just walk out and leave.  I’ve never considered taking refuge inside of a bathroom, because inevitably, I’ll have to come out and re-engage.  I’ve never needed to take deep breaths or do anything to psych myself out to get back into that phony extroverted mentality.

While I’ll never be that life of the party, I can initiate a conversation or just be a participant in one.  When motivated, I can be engaging.  I know how to use my words.  I’m eloquent.

Amongst my siblings, I remain the sole introvert.  This is a role that I particularly enjoy too.

There are very few people who know how I truly am, as well as others who, for whatever the reason, don’t let me be who I am.  These particular folks just don’t understand how an introvert operates, nor do I think that they care to develop a grasp of the concept.  God forbid, I should bow down to you, how you see the world, and how you think I need to be as a person.

I can be a comedian.  I make people laugh.  Call it a gift, I suppose.  My sense of humor is not always appropriate, but I’m usually good for a few laughs, at least when people are paying attention.  I’m rarely referred to as goofy.  I get called hilarious all the time though.

Maybe I carry an air of mystery with me and maybe there’s a chance that I baffle people when they first meet me?  I don’t really put much thought into a good first impression, because in the end, I don’t care enough to preoccupy myself with that sort of thing. I’ve been told that sometimes with the way that I contort my face, I give the impression that I’m unapproachable.  I like it when people don’t bother to approach me.  I like it when people stay away.

I don’t want to be like everyone else.  Having said that, I will openly and proudly admit that I love being introverted.  In general, I tend not to trust most people anyway, even though I might be able to engage in conversation with those very same people.

Very rarely, if at all, have I ever had a daydream about getting involved in a deep conversation with someone.  I don’t dream about it because I’ve done it.  I can do it.  I just need the right person to come along to where I can have this kind of conversation.

I will admit that indeed, I hate it when people think that they can come up to me and ask me why it is that I am so quiet, while they interject further and drop on me that I need to frown less and smile more.  There’s a very real and valid response to that very inquiry.

Fuck you.  Don’t worry about me.  I am a introvert and this is who I am.

It truly is that simple.