Just A Body

I don’t know anymore. I just don’t. I can explain most things, sometimes with limited information and minimal knowledge.  Then again, there are other times, I can’t make heads or tails of things. That, in and of itself, can be very frustrating.  For the moment, I am at my wits’ end.

I’m done asking why these things happen, because I’m gradually convincing myself that she truly does not give a damn.  Fuck Visionary’s feelings.  He doesn’t matter.

There is no logical reason why certain things happened to be said, or not said in one instance, this morning. 

Sometime after 8am, she had asked me if I could help her with one of her work visits.  I agreed, as I typically do, and in doing so, I put everything I had to do on hold.  This has never bothered me and I’ve done it before.  She asked me for help.  I’m there.  Whatever I didn’t do or finish today, I knew that I could just as well do tomorrow. That sort of thing is not unusual, at least not for me.  I’ve moved things around before.    

I would learn later that when asking me if I could help her, she had left out a vital piece of information, something that I (or anyone else, for that matter) might have wanted to know.  It wouldn’t have influenced my decision to help her (as much as she thinks it would), but what she omitted was hugely important.  I kept thinking to myself, “I might have wanted to know that beforehand”.             

So, as we’re already in the parking lot and strolling to the car we’d be rolling in, she nonchalantly tells me that we were going into a high-risk environment, where there may have been hazardous materials in said environment.  That particular hazardous material, in this case, would be fentanyl.

I pointed out to her that this little bit of information might have been important to know beforehand and maybe perhaps something should have included amongst the text messages she was sending me earlier.  I don’t care that SHE already knew.  I didn’t know it and it didn’t occur to her that maybe I would’ve wanted to know that kind of thing.  What was just as troubling and somewhat disheartening was when she then told me that had it been anyone else other than me, she wouldn’t have told them until they were already at the destination.  I suppose I should’ve been grateful for the fact that she told me in the first place, regardless of timing.  I truly have no idea where the fuck common courtesy happened to be this morning, but it sure as hell wasn’t in that car.               

Remember I said, “…anyone else other than me”?

In something that, even as I write this, I cannot fully grasp or comprehend, she proceeds to tell me, something to the effect of:

“Well, I don’t really need you here.  I just need a body”.

Suffice it to say, that little blurb/blast/shot/blow right there ruined my day and made me feel like complete shit for the rest of the day, ever after work, now as I write this, and likely as I look to go to bed in the next two hours or so. 

I am now just a body.  I don’t need to know that I could potentially be exposed to fentanyl. 

Damn.  Just damn.    

I will admit that I have relatively high self-esteem, but that “just a body” line just crushed me.  I don’t get it.  Why me?  Even if she happened to be angry at the time, a remark like that is just inexcusable.  It’s very damaging and even with her apology, I think the effects of something like that are going to linger. 

Friends don’t talk to friends like that and not even in jest, as far as I’m concerned.  I’m a comedian by nature, but even I don’t play around like that.  Those are very disparaging words and they hit me very, very hard.  I wouldn’t subject anyone to that sort of thing, especially someone I cared about.  But hey, here I am, dealing with it as best I can.

Tomorrow will be a new day and I’m confident that I’ll wake up better than I was when I went to sleep,  Still, even with that confidence and in the event that I’m wrong and I wake up still feeling like shit, I have to press on and do what I need to do.                                                     

But damn.  Just damn.

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