The Absentee Uncle

I got the call on Sunday afternoon. My father’s older brother had passed away that morning. The man had been diagnosed with something pretty bad, so we all knew his time on this world was finite and that day I learned just how finite it was. I want to say that I was emotional or distraught, but I wasn’t. Hearing the passing of my uncle was no different than hearing the news of a celebrity passing on the evening news. Sure, it was tragic, but it had little or no effect on my life. I apologize if that sounds cruel, but it’s just the honest truth about how I feel. That truth is I was never close to my uncle, and I never really knew the man. He was a relative in name only. It’s hard to miss someone who was never around. The man was an absentee uncle, who never made an effort to see me and my brothers.

Sure, whenever I saw the man at family functions he was kind, shook my hand and asked how I was doing. He was friendly, and at those times appeared to be the kinda guy that would be cool to chill out with and have a beer. The issue I have is those family functions, or things organized by family were the only times I ever saw the man. Things were even worse when he got remarried, as his second wife didn’t appear to like us very much. To be honest, I never had a chance to get to know her either and that opportunity was fucked from the very beginning. I remember when my parents were invited to attend my uncle’s second wedding. My parents were allowed to go, and so was my older brother. As for myself and my little brother, we were not invited. Kids under the age of 16 were not welcome at my uncle’s wedding and I was 13 when the event occurred. I remember feeling very hurt about that, and that only led to me being even more estranged from my uncle.

Now to be fair, the man was married twice and had two families to take care of. He had two kids with each wife and dealing with four kids, visitation and everything that comes with divorce is a living hell. I know that from experience, so I can understand that my uncle had responsibilities and things to take care of. It’s just a shame we never had a chance to really get to know one another because we had that and many other things in common. I have a feeling we could have bonded over a lot but never had the opportunity to do so.

It is a shame neither of us had the time, but we’re all responsible for what goes on and what we do or don’t do. I only have one niece and zero nephews. I don’t see her very much, and we’re not close. To that girl, I’m just as guilty of the very thing I’m ranting about right now. But the fact is my brother gets very little time to spend with is daughter, and I don’t want to ask for something he has very little of to spare.  And I can’t ask her mother because my niece’s mom hates my guts. I’m an outspoken atheist and she’s a southern baptist, which means she thinks I’m godless sinner that’s going to burn in hell for all eternity. So no, she doesn’t want her daughter to hang out with the heathen. So while I do regret not hanging out with my niece, time to spend with her has been hard to come by but I will keep trying because I don’t want to be an absentee uncle either.

In conclusion… I don’t miss the man, but I do regret the missed opportunities. No tears are shed, but I will only wonder what might have been had either of us taken the time to find out. I will use this example to do better myself, but make no promises.

Peter