Polyamory? *e

First-  Day 6 – What band/musician is most important to you?

I don’t know. I don’t get all teary eyed over bands/musicians very often anymore, I guess I grew out of that a while ago. I do feel like I listen to a lot of Shinedown, Rihanna, and 5 Finger Death Punch, though. Shinedown when I’m mad. Rihanna is my usual, when I’m feeling sexy and good about life. And 5 Finger Death Punch when things aren’t going as planned.

Okay, now that thats out of the way.

So, is it just me or over the past few years has Polyamory become the new black? Kinda like pink became the new black several years ago and I bought a $200 pink leather jacket that lasted half a season before fading out of fashion. Is polyamory on the same fading train track (sure to cumulate in a train wreck, if you ask me) or is it here to stay? I mean, is investing myself in a polyamorous lifestyle going to leave me filing emotional/physical bankruptcy?

I was always interested in open relationships. From the day I started masturbating, it would be about multiple partners. I didn’t have one go-to person that left me panting in desire. I had a whole group of them that would come (cum?) and go quickly. Or several at once. I liked variety and fulfillment, from the very beginning. I don’t think this is some personality flaw, by the way. It hasn’t kept me from forming meaningful long-term relationships. It hasn’t even necessarily led to a life of promiscuity. I can count on one hand the amount of "intercourse" partners I’ve had. That doesn’t include one rape, one horrifying one-night stand with a guy who put hickeys literally on every inch of my body and sweated all over me like a rainforest, and a handful of blowjobs.

I think I could easily have an open marriage. I am pretty much an open book about my desires. I would love try out a swingers club. There are just so many different people in this world who can open up a wide world of sexual proclivities. Part of what I think would help me make an open relationship work is the fact that sex is literally just sex to me. I don’t need people to emotionally commit any time to me. As long as I trust my partner enough (or have a trusted person joining or watching), I don’t even need to know his or her name. I definitely do not want them texting me while I’m at work or with my family.

So, all of this open marriage/ sex thing came about because there was just this super hot girl in my class. It was two long hours trying not to stare at her. (In my defense, the class is so boring that my mind can’t help but wander.) It is so rare for me to be so attracted to someone while I am out that I can’t stop looking at them. It doesn’t matter if it’s a male or female, it’s the same kind of reaction for both. Just like "Ok, how do I get to know you?" And I was texting my husband and told him a hot chick was at my school. I seriously don’t know how that man puts up with me. One day I’m going to probably just start randomly bringing people home to bed. I’m sure he doesn’t know what to expect from me anymore. Next up… cute little Dominican girl with the best brown eyes, fluffy hair, and biiiiiig pregnant belly.

The possibilities are just endless. Endless. Us both sucking his cock. Me getting cock from behind while I eat her like a buffet. Me riding him while she rides his face and me and her kissing and caressing breasts. Me eating her cunt while he buries into her ass. I know it sounds like a porno, but seriously my bedroom would be a porno with that shit.

So. I know an open marriage is not the same thing as a polyamorous relationship. I just never had much faith in loving more than one person. There’s too much complication. Too much jealousy, anger, etc. I never thought I would be good at sharing someone I love (and more importantly, I never thought anyone would be willing to love and share me.) I never understood how to share a family with more than just a male and a female "head of the household." (In my mind, there would always naturally be two people out of the 3+ involved that would be closer than the others. Aren’t we naturally inclined as humans to pair off?) But it seems that more and more, people are saying they are interested or actually doing exactly that… living and loving with more than two lovers.

What am I doing? In reality, I am sharing someone I love. And I really don’t mind. Not sharing in an open capacity, but nonetheless it’s what I’m doing in some deep dark crevice of my mind. In my perfect world, I wouldn’t have to so completely limit my interacting and capacity to give to someone I love. I would be free to give everything I want. However, that can’t happen because it’s not a poly relationship, all parties are not informed or involved. Secrets greatly hinder your choices. And a relationship that had some basis in the spiritual has earned a sense of mortality. When you realize that you will never go on a date with someone. Never be physically intimate with someone. Never share the depths that you want to. There’s just no time. We are staked in our current worlds with our current lives and in contract with our current lovers… until death.  Nothing gives you a sense of mortality than realizing exactly that.

Feels like your life is over
Feels like all hope is gone
You kiss it all away
Maybe (maybe)
This is a second coming
This is a call to arms
Your finest hour won’t be wasted (wasted)
Hey (hey) hell is what you make (make)
Rise against your fate (fate)
Nothing’s gonna keep you down
Even if it’s killing you
Because you know the truth
(This is Gonna Hurt- Sixx AM)