I am still figuring out why i am doing this. I mean, making this Open Diary account and writing Letters to you.
You- who is
you anyway? Thats my secret to keep .
YOU will never find out or read this or even know who i am behind the screen typing this…
And that’s good.
I know that i will never find that closure and that i could never truly tell you how i feel. So for me to heal and find my closure i figured that i’ll have to write these letters until i feel like i have poured my heart and soul out-because that’s the only way i can move on. Don’t get me wrong – i have moved on, i mean it has been 2 fucking years god dammit! But somehow- subconsciously- i haven’t moved on quite yet. Is that normal? After 2 years? Why do i still get these mini heart attacks when i hear your name, when i see your face? Whenever i see the exact same car you drive and hope its you? Why do i daydream about you (not everyday- don’t worry) because it makes me feel happier? Why do i have a phase where i dream about you almost everyday? I heard that if you dream about a certain person that the person is thinking about you or missing you as well. Somehow when i wake up from that dream i am happy because i believe that you might have thought about me and missed me too.
I am not in love with you anymore. And that is so very important for me to say and write that to you.
I am not in love with you anymore.
But somehow, something deep inside of me is still trying to get over you, completely. Because we never had that “Closure talk”. I kind of wished we had that.. maybe i had been moving on already by now- maybe even with a new guy- who knows. I believe that everything happens for a reason.
Just like Selena says in her song: “In two months you replaced us” .
I am happy for you. She is wonderful, funny (the 2 times i got to see her) and i know why you eventually got together with her. And i really mean that. I truly mean that. Of course my heart was scattered when i found out that you met someone new, because after all … you were my first love, and you knew that. I guess that’s why you took my love for granted, because you knew that you were my whole world and no matter how badly you would treat me – i would stay with you no matter what. And that my friend is Toxic.
I think she doesn’t give you that satisfaction. The satisfaction of treating her like shit and knowing that she will stay. She’s a smart girl, you know that. She doesn’t let you treat her like shit. She seems like a strong independent woman – which i wasn’t throughout our relationship because i didn’t grow as a strong person when i was with you.
I let you treat me like shit which did not make me the strong woman i am today.
That was a very hard and long lesson i had to learn. Because two years ago i generally thought that i could not live without you. But look at me now. I am stronger and happier than i was ever before! Loving myself even more. I know my worth. I know that by loosing you i finally started loving me.
Now the question of the day: why am i writing you this letter if i claim to be a stronger and happier person?
Because something deep inside of me is still trying to hold on to you, i don’t know what and why. And it fucking annoys the shit out of me haha.
So the only way to figure this out is to pour my heart and soul to you and eventually (hopefully) completely let you go. For good.