I was a bit of a late bloomer: Had my first kiss at 21, had my first boyfriend at 22, and lost my virginity a month before turning 23 years old.
I was this “old” woman experiencing things common to 18-year-olds (or even younger); I waited for certain things to happen (not because I did not have any men, but because I wanted to be ready (kinda weird I know but it was my choice).
While being with my ex-boyfriend we only “messed around” since I wanted to be ready to have sex with him. He respected my decision and I appreciated him for it. After time passed by, we broke up — “the right person but the wrong time” bullshit that I hated but knew it was true.
Ironically, the guy I decided to lose my virginity was a friend (I did not love him..I simply decided I wanted to have sex) of mine who we had “messed around with” in the past and it was good..until we had sex and I was just not feeling it. I decided to have sex with him again and nothing.. I felt no real satisfaction. Don’t get me wrong! I enjoyed making out and other things but the sex was just..well.. not great. [This relationship came to an end when I realized he was not really putting in the effort to satisfy me or even try]
The second guy I decided to have sex with was also a friend who I knew for about 3 years. He was such a great dancer and our chemistry was just AMAZING!– He gave me that excitement that I seemed to crave without really knowing. Again, I did not love him, we were just fuck buddies (to avoid grey areas). We both were playful, kinky and I was always open to try new things and just experience everything lol. With him, I found out that I was a squirter and a screamer. I loved how we allowed me to be me and just enjoy every little second. Having this chemistry with him was just crazy; However, just like with the first guy..I was not fully satisfied even though I enjoyed having sex with him. This is when I began to think.. “OMG I have never experienced an orgasm”. [This relationship came to an end when something about him was brought up to my attention]
The third guy I decided to have sex with was with my best friend’s friend who I met during my freshman year in college. One night we went out with a group of friends and we danced and drink all night. As we danced the tension kept increasing and well .. to be honest, I was horny. At the end of the night, we decided to leave together and when it came to the sex .. sadly it was horrible! (sounds mean I know, but I was horny and drunk and when I thought I would finally moan my orgasm out I found myself just looking down and thinking “what in the fuck is he doing?.. maybe this is his first time? “). I notice he was having a hard time putting it in and decided to switch it. up and go on top. I would whisper what I liked and led his hands but it was still no good. When I realized he had finished right away I felt so mad because I was still horny and wished I had at least enjoyed it. [This was a one night stand]
The last person I have had sex with was with a guy I knew for many years and had gone out on dates with. He seemed like someone I could date and we were friends going on dates and just getting to know each other. He confessed he liked me and just like me we both enjoyed spending time with each other. He was smart, funny, and his personality was great; one night we kissed and it was not that bad. I consider myself a really passionate person so I kinda showed him what I liked and slowly I began to nibble down his neck and see where things went. After a minute or so his kissing had mimicked mine and he was better..I began to get turned on. We did not have sex that night but other things DID happen. When we finally had sex..ONCE AGAIN IT WAS HORRIBLE. I feel so confused when I say this but once I realized that sex with him was just BAD all my feelings for him just LEFT (How? I have no idea). [He tried to meet again and mentioned that he wanted to try again and we did but t was still the same; this time instead of leaving I decided to tell him what I liked. I told him to nibble my nipples, to bite my lips, that he could choke me a little…I am a dominant person, But I also want to be manhandled during sex). This guy completely ignored everything I said leaving me with my attitude because once again I did not enjoy the sex. I mean.. I even felt that need to say “you gotta play with my clit a little, you have to get me wet”.[He wanted to have sex again and I decided to end our ‘buddy time’ because I just did not enjoy it at all]
After these 4 guys, I realized maybe the one with the problem is me.. I tried to masturbate and I enjoyed it but I still would not orgasm. I realized I just need a partner to really turn me on and that masturbation just did not cut it with me. I needed someone on my neck, someone whispering on my ear, going down on me, and just turning also letting me take control and going down on them.
Every time I meet someone I’m interested in, I feel a sense of ‘fear’. I am scared of having bad sex AGAIN! I mean.. yea one guy was good but after 3 BAD experiences made me realized that I need a man to dominate my dominant self. I realized that sex and enjoying it with my future partner was a HUGE deal noo matter how I felt about them emotionally.
AM I WRONG FOR COMING UP WITH THIS CONCLUSION? sometimes I feel like I will not have sex anytime sooooooonnnnnn. Maybe I need to be in love to truly feel satisfied by the sex? but I mean, so many people. have sex without loving/liking the person and loving the sex. Am I just complicated down there?