In Another world…

It’s odd to fine yourself in a mindset. one  you don’t fine yourself too often in. it’ll be odd to read this especially if you’re not as drunk as I am. there are times I fine myself jealous of the person I could have been. I loved in many worlds and many lives, and I still remember some. I’m paying for my sins. this I know because I still see his face. but that isn’t the store I’m speaking about today.

Today we’re speaking about the girl that didn’t suffer these changes. the one that did marry her first love. the now that does have children and one that never suffered sexual abuse. is she happy? she has three beautiful boys, a husband that also happens to be an amazing father and a side hustle that keeps her at home spending time with her boys. she’s happy. I know that she’s happy because she doesn’t have one love, she has five. who’s is the fifth you ask? if you are happy, do you not have self love?

I’m jealous of her. I’m jealous of this girl that did grow fast enough to fully enjoy her youth. the one that didn’t grow up with regret after regret. I wish the world wasn’t my reality because this girl everyday wonders if she can even have kids. out of spite I would constantly claim to my mother that would never have kids because I was “lucky” enough to have her fully involved in my life.

I know growing up people around me believed me to be gullible, but it wasn’t all true. I had to play along so I wouldn’t be punished. my mother punished me if someone voiced anything involving me, if my brothers did something wrong and I wasn’t there to care for them, if she eve thought I did something wrong. if I didn’t play along, I would be punished.

Forgive me, because I did want you, but u didn’t know how to escape my prison. forgive me, because it took me longer that what you could have waited to make the right move. although, I live in another world, please, forgive me for not freezing time for you, and know, that in another world I love you and I a doing all I can to give you the world you deserve.