Are You Willing To Sacrifice Your Life?
I used to believe that life was generally a bit shit, but ultimately that what went around came around but then it happened, then it happened again, and now I believe that life is very actually shit. There’s very little in the way of retribution, you just get the hand your dealt and you have to try and play it accordingly in order to try and win the game you’ve been forced to play. It’s not fair, I always knew that, being raped simply reinforced that belief. I never used to try and be a good person, I was fairly numb from all that happened before I was raped; I lived for me, myself and all my little whims. I wasn’t a bad person, just a bit selfish and self-absorbed, it wasn’t such a bad thing, now, now I try and be a decent person, not because I think Karma’s going to come back and bite me but because in some weird twisted little way, I think that maybe what happened was some sort of divine intervention to pull me back into line. Discipline always did mean pain and hurt in our house growing up, maybe some greater being felt I was just getting a bit too big for my damn boots and this was my chastisement? I don’t even know how I feel anymore. All the confusion, angst, sadness, hurt and anger leaves me feeling empty inside, but how can I be empty when there’s so much going on in there? I want to lash out at the world, at life, I want to let the anger flow, but what good will that do? So I hold on to it, keep it caged with all the other emotions that I don’t want others to see, because if they saw then they too are free to take advantadge; you would show your hand to the dealer, so why would I let others see what’s in my heart?
I don’t care if someone is the meanest person in the world; no one deserves to suffer that experience. No one.
Anger is one of the steps of grief, you probably already know this, but it is important to acknowledge it and sit with it for a bit, with the knowledge that you will move through it. I hope you can find a safe place to let some of that anger out