I think it’s actually working. Either that or I’m so ill with this respiratory infection that I’ve become delirious.
I’ve decided to let go of the idea that I’ll ever be the person I was again. I’ve packed her up and filed her away. Until I let go of her, and the past, I won’t be able to move forward. I need to let go of the idea of moving home, it’s not going to happen any time soon; if I’m going to try and find happiness where I am then I need to let go of the idea of getting away. Sometimes we don’t always get what we want because we have to put others wants, wishes and needs ahead of our own and I guess that’s what I’m doing. I see the relationship between my kids and my Nan and I can’t break that up. I can’t break my kids away from all they know, from their lives; I know how that feels all too well. So I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place and now I’ve got to make a decision on which way to move in order to get to a happier place in my head. There’s always holidays and such I guess to go and visit friends and family. I’ll eventually develop a support network up here, I’ll meet people in time that will become trusted friends, maybe I’ll even meet a woman and settle down in my own weird little way but before I can do any of that I have to accept where I am now. I have to accept the present and stop clinging so desperately to the past. I need to open myself to these opportunities and possibilities for the future otherwise they’ll just go rushing past me.
How can I expect to move forward when I’m standing still whilst looking behind me? It’s time to face the way that I want to walk in.