i had a different and light topic for today but after writing the post – Truths and Empowerment – here yesterday, i feel i should talk more about the topics discussed in that: Emotional Abuse and Family Scapegoat Syndrome.
Disclaimer: This post is a brief account of both the topics and is based on intensive research. i have also given several presentations on Child Abuse (Physical, Emotional, Sexual, Child neglect and Exploitation. Also, Online abuse) in various schools.
Emotional child abuse happens when the parent/caretaker/guardian or simply, the person in charge, abuses the child mentally. Words/phrases like – Idiot, stupid, you are not enough, you are the trouble, i am sick of you, creep, weirdo, i hate you, you are unworthy, i am ashamed of you, you dishonor family name, you can’t do anything right, irresponsible etc. are only a few to pick and name.
Family Scapegoat Syndrome a.k.a. FSS is also an abuse. Yes. You heard it right. Family Scapegoat Syndrome happens when family members (usually initiated by the head of the family) gang up against one child/person and puts all the blames on him or her. The family scapegoat is also called as Black Sheep.
This is Emotional Abuse and Family Scapegoat Syndrome in a nutshell.
Now, people who grow out of one of both of these abuses, often believe what they have heard all those years. But here is the reality –
- You were never what they said you were. So what you are? You are – Amazing. Beautiful. Talented. Loving. Caring. Supportive. A great teammate. Splendid roommate. A hard worker. A happy person. And more!
- The abuse is always the fault of the abuser. You are the victim, the innocent one in the picture.
- The abuse happens by so called ‘family’ is the cover-up to their own fears, anxieties and insecurities.
- In case of Family Scapegoat Syndrome, it is usually a sign of dysfunctional family. Since family members (especially parents or elder ones) do not want to go through the years and efforts of addressing the right issues and working on them, they save themselves the time and stress, and begin blaming the one person who is actually innocent instead.
- Narcissism is a reality. If you are living with a narcissistic partner/parent/sibling/caregiver then chance are, your feelings are being invalidated all the time. Again, it is not your fault. It is the narcissist who is looking for the supply and validation.
- Any kind of abuse is basically a mental release, a sort of gratification. Once they abuse you, they feel comfortable in their own skin. The abuser is the one who is weirdo, creepy or irresponsible and everything they say to you.
Now, here is what you can do to solve the issue:
- First of all, ACCEPT that the ABUSE. WAS. NEVER. YOUR. FAULT. Whatever happened, you were a part of it, not the cause of it.
- Family is the first place where we are taught to love, support, respect, care and understand each other. But when you see it is only being taught, and not practiced, begin maintaining the distance. It will be hard but remember that you are doing it for your own safety and mental peace, not to hurt anyone. It is much like raising a sword and a shield in self-defense.
- Practice self-healing/love/care. If you wish for the healing to happen, practice self-love and self-care. Focus on things you like/love to do. Find your hobbies. Reignite the passion for them. Make new friends.
- Let the truth empower you. i too have been emotionally abused since childhood through my teenage years. So, i KNOW the impact and the damage but when i understood whatever happened (i.e. the abuse) was not my fault and that healing from it is possible, i was relieved! The truth in and by itself is empowering.
- Forgive. MOVE ON! Do your best to not to nurture resentment or hate towards the abusers. Nurturing such kind of feelings isn’t going to make any impact on them. It will, if i were to be honest, harm you back for sure. Forgiving and moving on will take some time but begin the work like right now.
- Learn to trust again. Well, i too am trying at this front. Because once you are abused, the damage is irreversible. We can sure forgive, move on, heal, and learn but basically, we cannot reverse the time and make the abuse unhappen. Still, along with evil lies good as well. So, learn to trust your instincts again.
- Change your perspective. Those emotionally abusive years were the worst for me but when i flip my perspective, those years are, in fact, the BEST years because they carry lessons and wisdom. All i need is to clear my vision and imbibe them.
- If possible and i am saying it for both the abuses, cut all the ties with the abuser/s. Because chances are, they will keep abusing you, making you the scapegoat for your whole lifetime. Be it your parent/s, siblings, relatives, friends, grandparents, teacher, priest, neighbor…get the hell away from them and live the life you deserve.
- Practice gratitude. Every single day, be thankful for things you are blessed with. Gratitude is one of the MOST powerful tools/techniques to carve a heaven for yourself.
- Last but not the least, gather information on Abuse, Family Scapegoat Syndrome and Narcissism. As much as you can. There are tons of videos and articles available at your dispense. Some of the effective YouTube channel recommendations are – Lisa A. Romano, Stephanie Lyn Coaching and Doctor Ramani. There are plenty more.
i truly get it – doing any or all of the above is difficult to say the least. That is why it is said that doing the right thing is often the hardest thing.
Once you refuse to be victimized and stand up for yourself, it is going to be painful and scorching but trust me, my fellow diarist! The reward will be far greater than what you can imagine right now and you will totally be worth it.
About five years ago, when i learned all about emotional abuse, i was set free! i had cried and those were the tears of pain and freedom. i was finally free of the loop of blaming myself with questions such as – Was i not enough? Or, What wrong did i do to get that treatment? etc.
i was and i am finally at peace, at a place where i deserve being at. We all deserve being at.
Thank you so much for reading. i hope the entry helped you understand the truths of life and you will use it to empower yourself further.
What is that ONE right thing you did in life that was truly HARD to do?