Contact

Guess who I ran into yesterday morning at the mall? You guessed it, Nicole. I was walking along, and I looked up and I saw this girl walking towards me, I first thought; “Who is that good looking girl?” and then it registered, and I thought “Shit! This should be interesting…” so she comes up to me and first thing she does is gives me a big hug. She says; “How have you been?” and I said “Pretty good I guess, do you have time to go somewhere and talk?” She said “Yes.” So we went and sat down in the mall and chatted for a good hour 1/2. I told her how much she hurt me by ignoring me, she told me that she didn’t know how to deal with the situation so she ran. She said she had a bad experience from her last relationship (who was an alcoholic) and didn’t want to go through it again because she felt I was different. I said it would have been nice if she acknowledged my emails, but she apparently blocked me in that department so she never received them. She cancelled that night I asked her to meet me to talk because she was afraid it would be akward and I would yell at her. I said, you can’t know me very well if you thought I would yell at you. I don’t yell very often. I asked her; “is this akward?” and she said; “Surprisingly no, it is actually quite refreshing.” She admitted to being a total bitch sometimes. And she was quite curious if I was dating again. I told her I had been on a few dates, but nothing that seemed solid. She said she had done the same and was fed up with the dating world.

So as we talked, I just happened to ask her what she was doing on her Birthday, she doesn’t know, but she has booked off 4 days from work. I thought, how convient, it just so happens I have 4 nights at a hotel in ottawa the very same nights she has booked off… what are the odds?  She said she would call me soon and we would hang out. I said don’t say things you don’t mean. She responded with “I wouldn’t have said it if I didn’t mean it.”

I asked Nicole what I did that night that caused her to disappear 98 days ago. She said it was just my actions. She said I was acting like an idiot and saying stupid things. I embarressed her in front of her coworkers. She said that it opend her eyes to things about me she didn’t like. I said, the guy you saw that night wasn’t me, I don’t even like that guy, that was one of the main reasons I quit drinking. I said; Do you see those qualities in the sober me? she said “No, I like the sober you. I know I don’t like the drunk you.” I told her I was blacked out and do not remember the night (after I started drinking). I had to explain what a blackout was. Turns out Nicole has NEVER been drunk. The most she has ever had is 2 drinks. She said at even that point she doesn’t like the feeling of loss of control. It makes more sense now of how I could offend her so. I told her I have been completely sober for 97 days now and I am turning my life around. She smiled and said “i’m proud of you.” I told her how many days I had run that night over in my head trying to remember what I had done, or what I could have done to cause her to break things off. She said that she also has problems and she didn’t know how to help me when she is having problems helping herself. So the only option was to just cut me free until I could sort things out. I asked when were you going to contact me? She said I had planned on it, but as time progressed she felt that things were just becoming more and more akward.

I don’t know what to think. A part of me is still super attracted to her, I sat there at times just looking at her and thinking “holy fuck she is beautiful.” But another part of me said, this girl really hurt you. I don’t know what to do, should I invite her out sometime soon? Or should I just let it slide?

97 days today.

Music of the Moment: Mobile – Out of my head
Today I Feel: Unsure.