Day 20

Why was I so stupid?  Why did I have to go drink that night?  I fucked up a relationship with a girl I really care a lot for.  And the more time I spend away from her, the more I realize how in love I was with her.  I never told her.  I never told her how I felt.  I just had to go drink that night and have her never speak to me again.  I will never look into those beautiful green eyes ever again.  I screwed it up.  I had to go drink that night.  I couldn’t just stop at one… or better yet not even had a sip.

I’m really struggling right now.  I feel so alone, so helpless.  I was so happy with her, the happiest I have been in a long time.  And all of a sudden some 3 weeks later, I feel miserable, I have no energy, having problems sleeping, having problems eating.  I even puked at work thinking about her never talking to be again, due to my mistake.  It made me sick to my stomach.  Something I can’t fix something I can’t take back.

That is why I will never drink again.  I have destroyed relationships because of drinking.  I lost somebody I care for deeply.  Drinking was more important to me than the people around me.  Fuck it.  I will never touch that evil ever again.  EVER.

I would have done anything for her.  The moment I saw her, I knew she was something special.  Now she is gone… gone and moving on with her life, without me.   I feel ill just thinking about it.  I can’t sleep, I have slept 3 hours in the last 32.  I’m having trouble eating, I eat a little bit, and I just feel ill.  I feel like the worst possible person ever.  How could I do that to her, how could I have been so selfish?!

I wish I had never tried alcohol back in high school.  Both of my parents warned me and said there is a history of drinking problems in our family.  Did I listen?  Of course not, I am stronger than that.  I wouldn’t fall victim to a DRINK of all things.  But here I am 20 days into my recovery, 20 days now without my girlfriend who is gone because of my drinking.  We had it made, we communicated well, we trusted each other, we enjoyed each others company, had the most explosive relationship in the bedroom.  Then I went and drank myself into a fucking asshole and fucked the whole thing up by making a total fool of myself and embarrassing her in front of her coworkers.  I feel like balling my eyes out because of my idiocy, but I can’t.  I can feel it right there, but the tears just won’t come.

FUCK YOU ALCOHOL, YOU RUINED SOMETHING REALLY SPECIAL TO ME!  I will never ever, ever touch that shit again.  EVER.

Music of the Moment:  Eric Clapton
Today I Feel: Destroyed.