The Otherside Of The Coin…

I was looking at my old journal.  I see the last entry I had written was back in 2010 announcing to the community that I was going to become a father.  My daughter will be 7 in a few months.  Everybody always writes about what they love about being a parent.  So what I am going to do is write about what I don’t like about being a parent.  I have really struggled being a parent.  Not that I don’t love my daughter, or care.  Many people have said I am a good dad and they can really tell I care for my daughter, just how I speak of her.  The issues are, I have struggled with myself.   One of the issues I have had with becoming a parent is your life as you know it is stripped from you.  I am a very goal oriented, passionate individual, who likes to develop my own interests.  I guess some may call it “selfish”.   I see it more as there is so much in life, and I want to experience it.    Anyway, I have felt my individualism is gone and my daughter always comes first.  In any given weekday, I may have about 1 hour to myself.  That is not a lot of time to really focus on your interests.  I have really struggled dealing with that.  That isn’t something people talk about when they talk about being a parent.  They talk about “oh it is so great to watch them grow before your eyes.”  “They say the cutest things!”  etc.  Nobody says; “Do you have hobbies? Well forget about them for awhile…” lol

Another issue I have had over the years is I worry about her.  She is the sweetest kid, and it pisses me off that some of the shitty kids out there are ruining her.  They expose her to crap attitudes, vulgar language and bad behavior.   Almost like if you put a rotten piece of fruit in a bowl with fresh stuff, eventually the rot spreads to the rest.   I’m not just saying my kid is sweet cause she is my kid.  Honestly.  She really has a heart of gold and is the most caring kid I have ever met.  She has literally brought tears to my eyes because of her good nature.  For example, one kid at school was picking on her, calling her “a nasty kid” and making fun of her.  We heard about this and dealt with it with the teacher.  Haven’t heard anything much since.  Anyway, my daughter was recently writing valentine cards for her classmates, and she said; “okay now I have to do one for shithead (name replaced obviously)” and I said; “Why?  He doesn’t deserve one, he was being mean to you.”  she responded with;  “Everybody needs to know that somebody cares.”  She’s 6!   My point is, she is just so sweet, and I’m afraid the world is going to take that away.  It really brings me grief.   That is something I really don’t like about being a parent.  I’m constantly worrying about her well being, am I doing enough for her?  Is she happy?  Am I doing a good job?

The last issue I have is the chaos.  I like structure, organization, planning.  With being a parent all that goes out the window.  You have to learn to live in a dirty house.  You have to learn to just say; “I’m not doing the dishes tonight, I need some me time for my sanity.”  You have to learn that no matter how much you clean, there will be toys everywhere in about 5 minutes flat.  There will also be endless piles of laundry.  Messy floors from tracked in mud/snow/dirt from outside…. you just have to let it all go.  If you try to live in that spotless house you use to have before children, you are on the fast track to the insane asylum.

Would I do it all over again?  I wouldn’t trade her for the world.  But I don’t think I would have another.  Due to financials, the way the world is going for their future and my own sanity. 😉

Today I am feeling:  Relaxed
Music of the Moment:  Foo Fighters – February Stars

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February 8, 2018

yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

I’m struggling with the fact that I have to let my 5 year old go to Kindergarten in August. These past five years I have really put most of my all into this parenting thing really watching myself, trying to be the example for her to be the person I want her to grow up to be. I have restricted certain words, ideas and even shows that may influence her in a bad way. And just as you said, I have to just throw her into this field of lots of rotten fruit and I don’t know that my baby is processed enough to stay fresh. 😥 Isn’t this where we put our faith in ourselves that we’ve done our best to be confident that they will come to us and do the right thing when the time comes? Parenting is stressful! Your worries are normal worries. Tbh, there have been more than plenty of times I have taken the selfish route. Sometimes you just have to. It’s only human to think about yourself. The fact that she has such a beautiful little soul already tells me that you’ve started off on a wonderful track of fatherhood.

February 8, 2018

This entry sums up a lot of how I think my husband feels about being a parent. Its not that he doesnt love our son or is a good dad, he does and is, but being a parent is a lot harder than it is for me to be a parent. He doesnt like the toys all over, he cant take the messiness that our house is now he doesnt like that we are more boring than we ever were (which was still pretty boring haha). He worries about how kids will influence our son as he grows (hes 3) . He misses the free time that we used to have (I do too sometimes).

February 9, 2018

I can relate to a lot of what you are saying here. Ironically, my final entry (not counting a brief goodbye note) announces that I was about to officially become a mother. Today, I share your worries about the influence that others (are currently and will eventually) have on him. I really really hope that he connects with good friends, and doesn’t let himself get sucked into the wrong crowd.