I was looking at my old journal. I see the last entry I had written was back in 2010 announcing to the community that I was going to become a father. My daughter will be 7 in a few months. Everybody always writes about what they love about being a parent. So what I am going to do is write about what I don’t like about being a parent. I have really struggled being a parent. Not that I don’t love my daughter, or care. Many people have said I am a good dad and they can really tell I care for my daughter, just how I speak of her. The issues are, I have struggled with myself. One of the issues I have had with becoming a parent is your life as you know it is stripped from you. I am a very goal oriented, passionate individual, who likes to develop my own interests. I guess some may call it “selfish”. I see it more as there is so much in life, and I want to experience it. Anyway, I have felt my individualism is gone and my daughter always comes first. In any given weekday, I may have about 1 hour to myself. That is not a lot of time to really focus on your interests. I have really struggled dealing with that. That isn’t something people talk about when they talk about being a parent. They talk about “oh it is so great to watch them grow before your eyes.” “They say the cutest things!” etc. Nobody says; “Do you have hobbies? Well forget about them for awhile…” lol
Another issue I have had over the years is I worry about her. She is the sweetest kid, and it pisses me off that some of the shitty kids out there are ruining her. They expose her to crap attitudes, vulgar language and bad behavior. Almost like if you put a rotten piece of fruit in a bowl with fresh stuff, eventually the rot spreads to the rest. I’m not just saying my kid is sweet cause she is my kid. Honestly. She really has a heart of gold and is the most caring kid I have ever met. She has literally brought tears to my eyes because of her good nature. For example, one kid at school was picking on her, calling her “a nasty kid” and making fun of her. We heard about this and dealt with it with the teacher. Haven’t heard anything much since. Anyway, my daughter was recently writing valentine cards for her classmates, and she said; “okay now I have to do one for shithead (name replaced obviously)” and I said; “Why? He doesn’t deserve one, he was being mean to you.” she responded with; “Everybody needs to know that somebody cares.” She’s 6! My point is, she is just so sweet, and I’m afraid the world is going to take that away. It really brings me grief. That is something I really don’t like about being a parent. I’m constantly worrying about her well being, am I doing enough for her? Is she happy? Am I doing a good job?
The last issue I have is the chaos. I like structure, organization, planning. With being a parent all that goes out the window. You have to learn to live in a dirty house. You have to learn to just say; “I’m not doing the dishes tonight, I need some me time for my sanity.” You have to learn that no matter how much you clean, there will be toys everywhere in about 5 minutes flat. There will also be endless piles of laundry. Messy floors from tracked in mud/snow/dirt from outside…. you just have to let it all go. If you try to live in that spotless house you use to have before children, you are on the fast track to the insane asylum.
Would I do it all over again? I wouldn’t trade her for the world. But I don’t think I would have another. Due to financials, the way the world is going for their future and my own sanity. 😉
Today I am feeling: Relaxed
Music of the Moment: Foo Fighters – February Stars