The air rushes through the leaves as I stand at the top of the hill and autumn arrives early this year. Is it the chill in the air or my heart? It’s hard to tell these days. I try to distract myself from thoughts of you but you always have a way of creeping in. I still am trying to dissect what I want out of our relationship. The moment I think I am free of this curiosity, you say or do something that pulls me back. I’ve always been a girl afraid of expression. You see past that and I can’t quite figure out why. Do you smile when my name scrolls across your phone or do you shudder out of sheer annoyance unsure yourself of this magnetic pull? Maybe it’s both? Who are we to debate the laws of attraction and rejection? You once said I was a shooting star lighting up the night sky. That my time in your hemisphere was limited because some people just burn out way too fast.

Maybe I’m reading too many books these days and not writing near enough. Maybe. You didn’t know me then and I don’t think you really know me now. Do I even really know me now? A question so complex the answer shouldn’t be as simple as it is, no. A part of me has been frozen in place waiting for the right time to defrost and move forward with the rest of me. You can’t be happy if you bring your baggage along they say. In reality it just makes your baggage even heavier. It also is going to make everything soggy when the defrost finally finishes.

I never ran away and joined the carnival. I still haven’t made it to Haight-Ashbury. The west coast beacon getting brighter as the days get colder and darker. I find a million excuses to avoid the coast. I don’t know how much longer I can ignore the call.

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