(w)really though…

Funny how it has been 30 years.   I go through periods where I think that everything is fine.  Remember when I said I forgave you?  That forgiveness came from someone in their late 20s.  I couldn’t possibly have realized where I would be today.  That was maybe some of the best times in my life so far.  Newly married – secure job and ready to build a family.  I was happy.  Easy to provide forgiveness when things are going so well.  The impact of your actions were so distant from that self.  I had succeeded.  Despite all odds, someone loved me.  Funny how things change.

The most innocent.  My first love.  So strong and and pure.  And the trauma of that loss.  When it felt so safe.  Never the possibility of ‘breakup’ because we weren’t together.  Odd how we were able to concoct a story where we would be together in each other’s lives forever.  This wasn’t going to end.  We were helping each other.  We were holding each other up – accountable – only we weren’t were we?  I couldn’t possibly know or understand the impacts.  But now I look at my 15 year old goddaughter and can’t fathom seeing her as anything other than a child.  But you didn’t.  How did you see me as an equal? Did you see me as an equal?  I suppose that is thinking the best of you… that you saw me that way.  Because if you didn’t… that makes you something much more sinister to me.

But you get to move on in your life.  You ‘forgave me’.  For what, exactly?  What is it you imagine I did?  How was I responsible for the problems in your marriage?  How was I responsible for whatever made you question if you were good enough? Did you even?  I remember sitting with you and hearing your story of that raining day that you thought you might die – and how you still knew you would be welcomed, but just not with such a joyous response as you would have deserved otherwise? And that made me feel better.  To know that you struggled too.  I was not alone.

But did you have your ability to love shattered?  Did you have your ability to trust god shattered?  Did you lose the ability to pray?  Did you become someone who is constantly waiting to be abandoned in any relationship? So you do everything you can to change into what the other person wants or needs?  Did you lose the ability to understand what you want? What you need? Who you are?  Did your spouse come to see you as a stranger?

Remember how you said that if you had really kissed me, instead of the kiss we did have, that things would have ended right there?  But they still did, didn’t they.  Just not as quickly.  And everything was designed around you.  Don’t tell anyone because you could lose your job.  Back then I saw it as people not understanding and thinking something happened when it didn’t.  Now I see it much more clearly.  You would have lost your job.  But not because you didn’t do anything to deserve it.

Do you find that teaching 5th graders is better than teaching highschoolers?  Do you find that not being a pastor any longer helped avoid those sticky situations? Here I am a 44 year old, unable to complete my ‘Safe church’ training without getting angry because we crossed all the lines.  No.  YOU crossed all the lines.  You held all the power.  We were never equal.  You had the power of the church.  You had the power of your age and experience.  You had the power of the penis.  Did you realize that is what you were wielding?   Did you ever confide in anyone else about your role in this? How deeply did you share with Tricia?  Did she know that you told me about those things we didn’t discuss?

Do you think of me still? In the quiet of the night? Do I haunt your dreams or your early morning walks?  When you teach the Silver Chair, do you think about us in Narnia?  How would that story have ended if we kept writing it? What adventure would we have been called to complete for HIS purpose? Or was it the opportunity for us to be alone – truly alone and away from the world with its “pastorly” responsibilities and pesky wives keeping you from truly embracing how you felt about a 15 year old.

And though I know it was all a fantasy formed by a fool, I can’t help but visit it in my dreams.  In my thoughts and feelings.  To remember what it was like to look… to truly look. To feel seen completely without fear of abandonment.  To trust that what I felt was true.  Why is it so easily to believe the bad things about myself?  Well, the good things turned out to be a lie… To be realize that you have been so utterly and completely wrong about who you are… the doubt is staggering.

But did you even fall in love with me? I think you did. It is times like this I wish I didn’t destroy the tangible memories… the written words to see what they said. To read them with my adult eyes.  Alas it will always be through the lens of a child that I see your eyes – hear your voice – feel you hands in mine- read your words.  Maybe one day I will be able to drive through Santa Barbara without a second thought.  I doubt it though.  Will I ever be free of the thoughts that seize me?

I don’t know how to convey the weight of what you did and how it has impacted me.  I want to spell out all the ways, but I also don’t want to give you that much power.  Though perhaps you already have it.  Or had it, since I had none.  Will accusations bring it back?  Was I special, and this wouldn’t happen again? Or was I just the one there at the time?  Why did Karl want you to leave Foothill?  Why did you leave your church? Why did you leave your school?  Did my silence gain you access to others?

Do you know, when I told my therapist about you, she asked if you still had access to children.  And I lied for you.  And I wept afterwards.  I don’t know if it was that in her asking it hit me that you could be a danger to others, or if it was because I knew you could be but couldn’t bring myself to stop protecting you.  You placed that charge on me then and I still faithfully oblige.   Though, how could I not, when it was the last thing you asked of me?