When can I love you?

I have been faced with a situation in my recent life that I’m having a very difficult time with. I’ve had a particularly rough life and after finally having enough of my past relationship with my ex husband whom I have 3 kids with and spent 13 years with, I have realized how much time I’ve lost in such an abusive and toxic relationship if you can even call it that. He’s spent most of his adult life in prison. Moving on, I’ve embarked on an adventure that I couldn’t for the life of me put the breaks to no matter how hard I tried and now for the first time in so very long, I’ve found myself in a very sticky situation but I wrote this this morning after he left and this is where I am today… hope yall enjoy. Maybe even relate at one time or another.

I sit here by myself everyday that you’re not around and wonder if you feel anything close to the same way I feel. Do you get the butterflies, like the ones we all got back in school when we didn’t know anything about life yet? Does your bad mood suddenly brighten the second you see my face? Do I make you feel the same way you make me feel? I don’t know how you don’t see the way I look at you or maybe you do but refuse to acknowledge like some sort of denial. I feel my eyes pouring into your soul with desire. You always seem to look at me a certain way. Sometimes it’s when you think I’m not paying attention but I feel you. And I just can’t put my finger on the intentions in your eyes. Is it just lust? All I want to do is kiss you and get lost in your lips. You make me so mad pretending like you don’t see me…like you don’t see how bad I want you but I know that’s only going to push you away since you continue to convince yourself you’re not ready for a relationship yet so I keep pretending like it’s all fun and games most of the time when deep down I’m screaming at you to wake up. I fantasize about maybe one day you’ll just show up, grab me, lock eyes and kiss me and tell me you’ve had enough and confess your love for me but that all seems like fairytales and toadtoadstools. It doesn’t matter how ridiculous that sounds I only want you for me. Bad. Worse than I’ve ever wanted anyone. I see you’re little envious moments when you think someone else might have my attention. I have them too and I know I fail to hide them everytime. I suppose probably on purpose. And I know you think I’m crazy and sometimes a total brat because I don’t get my way. Since the beginning of you, 6 months ago, I’ve been caging this rage. The first time I saw you, the first time I felt your eyes on me I couldn’t help but embrace your fixation. I knew you were trouble and I knew you would be difficult but I’ve never been one to turn down a challenge and my curiosity took over. I wanted that feeling burnt into my soul forever. I wanted to feel you touch me, even in the most innocent of ways. Just the warmth of your touch on my skin. When you leave, I just want to rewind time and do it all again. You grabbed ahold of me and now I can’t unfeel that. You make all my worries and frustrations disappear. Even when you come over just to go to bed. I watch you from a distance sometimes in all your glory, your eyes sparkle when you smile. But it’s different than when you look at me. You look at me and everything around me stands still and it’s just me and you wherever we are. You undress me with your eyes but in the softest way. You’re gentle even when you’re mad. You’re reserved even when you shouldn’t be. You’re shy but the sexy kind of shy. Then when you get to know someone you unveil yourself which is when I knew I needed you for more than just whatever we are. I want you. I want you and all your problems. I want your trust and loyalty. And I promise to be sensitive and to hammer away the poisonous shell that formed from the past. I promise to never hurt you. And never take you for granted. If you would just give me the chance to show you what you’re worth I swear I’d make you feel better than you ever have. Better then anyone’s “King”. I just want you. And the only question I have left: when will you let me fall in love with you completely and will you let yourself do the same?


Log in to write a note