Lost 2013

I used to write here a lot – I used to write a lot. I just stopped. It had nothing to do with this site like a lot of people seem to be writing about, it all had to do with me.

I just stopped. I have felt the urge to write, to get thoughts out of my head and down in here – but I just haven’t. I have filled my time with useless things that I will not remember.

I want to start writing again – I need it I think, but I do not know what to write that is of any meaning. I do not want to come here and just bitch – I see too much of that and it makes me crazy.

I can make excuses I suppose – the last two years at school were hell; I have A LOT of private entries about that. This year is getting better but I am still having a hard time just BEING. I think that there is something wrong inside of my head again, and I just keep spiraling into the darkness and the waste. I need to start over again some how but I do not know how of where to start.

It is small steps I know, and the first thing that comes to me is writing – always writing.

Of course I say I haven’t written, but I have. I had to complete a course for the last level of my teaching license – I had to create a portfolio that proves I know how to teach, that I know my subject and how to deliver it, that I know how to reach different students and that proves that I care about them. The last part was the easiest. I wrote 350 pages for this – just playing with the document that is 229,955 words I wrote – that is longer than some PHD dissertations, just to prove that I know what I am doing in regards to my profession.

I think that other professions should have to do this every so often; compile a portfolio of their work that demonstrates that then have met specific career related standards AND defend their career. Why is it teachers are the only ones who have to do this?

Easily distracted by too many thoughts.

I need to write what is in my head down. I need to get it out of my head and try to figure out myself I suppose.

In my mind I keep looping back to books like Siddhartha and think I need to review my own life, understand the path I am on, and figure out what I need to change to make myself happy again.