Other parts of depression

Old habits – I want to write, but life takes so much of my time that when I get home from everything, I am so tired I just lay in bed and stare at things.

I am tired of the same old patterns that continue to repeat themselves. Looking back over old entries, so many of the same problems that I am tired of running into the same damn brick wall.

I can deal with my personal issues mostly. The depression never heals, never goes away. It was really bad in 2016, I don’t even want to think about it because I am not really that far away from hitting that low again in all reality. I am just better at dealing with it internally, however, the outside is still bad. I look around my room and I feel like a hoarder. The last time I really cleaned up was the beginning of 2016. Then everything fell apart.

Even thinking about it now I am crashing again, want to crawl back into bed and not deal. I can physically feel myself hunching over, trying to pull into myself.

And I just started writing what happened, and I started sobbing. Go me. And there is a part of me that tells me to feel this way is stupid, is childish – that I should just be able to write about, to talk about it, and move forward with life. But I can’t. I tell myself that people have real problems, have their own personal hells, have lost so much more than I have, and still I fall apart and cannot deal.

And my poor boyfriend, my loving, sweet, ever patient boy, has put up with so much. Last August we had our 10 year anniversary. He has put up with so much, has done so much for me. And with the depression, the little voice inside my head, my own mental damage, I don’t understand why he has stayed. 10 years, and I still hate myself that much, so myself as so unworthy of love, that my brain does not understand why he had stayed with me, why he loves me. But I am lucky, and he does love me.

Snow Day

My plan getting on here was entirely different. School is closed for me today, and we have a snow day. It is beautiful outside, and at some point, I need to take my dogs out to play in it. I should take pictures as well and put them up. Maybe later.

Right now, I didn’t really sleep last night, then I got up to get ready for work and within 10 minutes of walking out of the house, I got the call for the snow day. I wanted to go back to sleep, but then I started getting the flurry of emails that happens because I have yet another principal that is a complete and total ass-hat. At least now I almost have my own admin license and can become the principal of my school if this bullshit keeps up…But that is a story for a different time.

I just stressed myself out badly, and think I need a nap to face the rest of the day now.