Waves

Well, I fell asleep during my Daily Meditation and woke at the end because it rolled over into some music my brain registered as not being part of the meditation. It was a 2-minute nap at most, but I actually feel pretty good. Still, I wanted to listen to the topic of the day, so I went back and started over.

“There is nothing so stable as change.” Bob Dylan

The topic today really was about letting go, being willing to accept change and let it happen. There were two questions posed in the meditation today; “What would it be like to loosen our grip? What if we let go of our agenda, and learned bit by bit to become comfortable with uncertainty?” These are questions I have posed myself quite a bit in my own life, and I personally have gotten much better about letting go and accepting change when it happens.

I actually feel this mirrors some of what I wrote about tarot yesterday; specifically, the unintended 3 card reading.

But with the world that way it is right now, this feels too passive. There is a vast difference between accepting change, seeing that change needs to happen, and actually doing something about it. There is a lot of change that needs to happen and has needed to happen for a long time.

With all of this, I have to balance out my own mental health and what I can actually do to help the changes we need as a society happen. This subject is a lot heavier and more involved for me thanks to my family.

Focus Card: Suppression, 10 of Fire – Suit of Action

This card is about accepting, or at least recognizing, what is often bottled up inside and actively letting it go. Can I just insert maniacal laughter here?

This makes me think of any number of things that I might just want to “deal with” before it consumes me:

1. Dealing with my depression and anxiety – I am actually doing much better with the depression aspect of this at the moment. Still having just this side of full panic attacks trying to do grocery shopping.
2. The hopelessness looking at the world and wondering what I can actually do to make any change happen
3. The exceeding complicated feelings about both my parents having been state troopers and them asking me if I “think they are racist” – They don’t really want me to answer that question, but I know what they want me to say
4. Trying to figure out if my brother has lost his mind and is repeating some bullshit “proud-boys” rhetoric he found on-line or if he actually joined some white-supremacist group
   • I played a fun game last week – “Read these two things out loud. Which is it a text from my brother, and which is from one of the many email threats I get from hate groups for teaching Holocaust History & Literature?”- What – they sound the same??”

Writing that out does not make me feel better in the least, but it is better to admit to the fears rattling around inside of my head rather than let me be consumed by them.