I write because it calms my anxiety, so today is one of those days that mind plays tricks on me, makes me think in 10 things at once that by the moment i realize that i am doing it i have already been consumed by the darkness these thoughts bring, i think about problems that seem minimal but my mind amplifies them to make them sound big and scary in my mind while the reality is totally different , i am writing this right now and saying to myself who are you kidding you don’t believe this yourself even though it is the truth , so now i am going to write what is really going through my mind.
I feel sad and have this ball in the pit of my stomach which i associate with anxiety maybe not really sure but that ball is always present to be honest, i am thinking about two things mainly one has to do with a new person that i have just met and what he is thinking about me since we both be caught in a situation where we accidentally broke curfew at night and where arrested for it i tried to keep calm and collected but i am afraid that fear of what the situation may result in may appeared on my face and he may have taking that as a weakness sign.
two my car has showed an alert that is going to cost me money and i need to travel to an other city to fix it so i am thinking if they are going to fix it the same day and how willl i get back from there if they tell me it needs to stay here so all of that is going through my mind at the same time and i know that those issues are minimal and a normal sane person would handle them with reason and calm but that are flooding my mind and clouding my judgment with all the scenarios that can result from the car issue and the though of this new person in my life do he like me or not.
so i need to learn how to wait till morning to deal with stuff , how to stop thinking and focus on other things while these issues are for now out of reach and we still don’t know if they are a reality yet or just my imagination as dark and as twisted and sadistic it is is torturing me and playing games on me.
i say sadistic because this a self inflicted torture that i always find myself imposing on myself and it just leaves me scared and sad and drained.