click your heels, count to three

my day was pretty well shot yesterday, honestly. getting that in my head is never a fucking good idea because the lingering guilt and the lingering failure has taken shape to be my worst, my harshest, my most ruthless critic who cuts me down to size without breaking a sweat, and then really goes to town.

not really conducive to paper pushing.

after the melodrama of writing here yesterday i managed to reach out to babes, and gabby responded and i ended up dumping a lot of detail about jordyn on her. she didn’t mind, bless her, but it was humiliating and freeing in equal measure to tell gabbs, who is so young and so good, that i’m still haunted and shaped by the adolescent words and actions of a person i haven’t spoken to in over 10 years. how all the learned confidence, and general contentment, and earned acceptance about who i am goes up in smoke because one asshole in high school mocked me. fucking yikes. gabbs, of course, was supportive and sweet, and said a bunch of things that made me cry.

when i got home from work andrew was playing overwatch with gyula and didn’t notice the mood i was in, so i went to the bedroom and tried to read wholesome shit to cheer myself up. around 6:00 i gave it up as a bad job, not happening this time. so i told myself to fuck off and take care of myself like i would take care of my loves, and lit a candle, ran a bath, grabbed sword and sorceress vol 1, put on a face mask, dropped in a bath bomb, pulled up a calming piano playlist on spotify, and settled down for a nice soak with marion zimmer bradley. i was mostly through the first story when andrew knocked to ask me if i was hungry. when he came in and saw i was in the tub with the full setup he was like, uhh. are you okay because like. this is the works. when i admitted i’d had a bad day he plopped himself down on the floor next to the tub and invited me to talk to him about it and we stayed that way for probably 45 minutes, just talking about all the shit in my head and the causes and effects and the complications with old patterns superimposed on new friendships and he read the poem from yesterday and kissed the top of my head after. he’s so gentle with me when i need it and will kick my ass when i need it and i love that boy. so much.

he left me to my bath and i finished my story and read another and then actually showered. after we sat in the living room and talked about the ideas for the pathfinder campaign we’re writing and storycrafting and then we lapsed into silence while he read the dungeon master’s guide and i returned to the wholesome shit to make myself feel better.

this morning was a late start but i got to work on time (despite the snow on the car) and now i am going to actually have to DO work to play catch-up from this rotten month of a week.

but first- it’s bagel time.

i hope anyone reading this has a peaceful end to your week. i hope you breathe easy today.

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January 18, 2019

Sounds like you got a keeper!

Glad to hear you were able to give yourself what you needed in the moment to get thru.