i always find myself in the middle of your stories


reading: pathfinder player’s handbook
listening: the new black- every time i die
watching: a good enough summary of kingdom hearts
obsession: okami!!!

wedding update: we have a caterer! food is delicious and the price is absurdly reasonable? we keep lucking into things with this and i’m very happy about it. HOWEVER i now have no idea what i actually want to do re: colors because like, what are flowers even. who knows a florist. i keep threatening mom with like, JUST IVY AND GARDENIAS BYE and she keeps yelling i need “a pop of color” and i’m like…….

it’s my wedding mom i’ll be drab if i want to.

sarah moved her wedding up a week so now our weddings are… wait for it…. 5 weeks apart!!!!! 5!!! weeks!!! what!! the fuck!!! hahaha!! cool!!! no!!!

… my poor mom

old friends update: yesterday i had lunch with our c.o.o. and 4 other girls from the office (we won a contest at the kickoff meeting last week) and one of those girls was… anna!! :smile. how fun!! it was interesting in the way that most times anna and i are in close quarters and expected to be social, in that we revert back to pretending to be best friends and talk about college a lot. k (c.o.o.) was not expecting to be regaled with stories of people dropping acid and hanging out in the woods over our delicious korean bbq. it was hilarious.

on our way back to the office anna brought up will when we were talking about someone we went to college with and i was like.. i haven’t talked to him in ages. and i miss him. and then she had the audacity to say to me “do you want me to talk about him? you always look so sad when i bring him up” like. bitch!!!!!!!! that was my FRIEND and i’m literally never going to be able to speak to him again because of bad blood between other people! unless he’s divorcing bronwen’s dumb ass and then fucking letting go his frankly ridiculous beef with bodi we’re just. done. not friends any more. and like, i’m not blaming anna for that fall out because bronwen and will made their own decisions but she was like, intimately aware of why i would be fucking sad! about will! :screams into pillow: aiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeee

and like, real When Will I Stop Talking About Bron Hours, but lindsey told me like, last week sometime? that bron was trying to shit-talk me to my friends in the middle of the bullshit with me and anna, like going around at asheville parties like “rachel’s back on her bullshit lol” and lindsey was like, what the fuck are you talking about. and like. coolcoolcoolcoolcool i LOVE it when people who are still pretending to be my friends go around spreading my business around my friend group when my business is with someone NOT IN THAT FRIEND GROUP. if anna had been like, bffs with any of that group of people then me being a bitch would have been NEWS but like, they don’t know her and don’t care about her and bron was STILL trying to make it known that i was Not A Good Person. to my FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and i told anna that i knew she did that. and anna got real quiet real quick and practically ran inside when we got back to work and i was just.. like what do you expect is the end result of this whole situation? like, timeline of the next year in my contact with this whole little group:
– i continue to work at our shared workplace. we continue to rarely actually see each other.
– we probably invite her to andrew’s birthday party in august??
– she is invited to the wedding, no +1 (only wedding party members get +1s dommage)
– as soon as sarah’s wedding is done and there’s minimal running back-and-forth to nc, i start looking for another job
– i stop working at our shared workplace (hopefully before 2020, but we’ll see)
– PROBABLY we stop talking altogether because like, she never messages me and i don’t really want her to start again
– we probably invite her to andrew’s birthday party next year?

after i get a new job, my ONLY interaction with all three of them will likely be whatever anna says if she reaches out and whatever gossip lindsey brings me from avl. did anna think that after a while i would just… get over bron aggressively talking shit behind my back? god i’m going to have to reprocess this shit AGAIN because any time i think about it too hard i just like.. feel really guilty and double-standardy and that’s nonsense?

i was talking to bodi and lindsey about it like… i was (am) SO mad at bron for cutting me out and being willing to write me off for nothing more than being a bitch to anna without talking to me first. and then i cut her out and have written her off without talking to her first. which is a mad false equivalence but like, it still gets to me. she said a bunch of shit to me that was hurtful. she actively stoked anna’s unhappiness with me, made up shit to explain why i suck as a roommate and a person, and tried to spread shit about me to my friends. i complained to her about anna, twisted something she said to hurt anna one (1) time, and then fucking stopped talking to her when i realized i’d overstepped my bounds. i feel like there’s a big fucking difference between these lists, y’know? and like it still makes me feel like trash trying to justify cutting her out because like, ~i was a bad person too~ so obviously that means that i should just take every lashing that they hand out. but i’m just…. very tired of paying penance for it when she didn’t treat me well either and bronwen turned me into a fucking monster of a person.

so in a weird fucking twist of fate, i’m now playing therapist for the 20 year old ex-boyfriend of one of my babes because he’s a fucking idiot and has to have someone tell him every two days that he needs to stop pursuing her in the aftermath of their breakup on friday. he’s a good kid. he’s just a dumb motherfucker. it’s… super weird because he was like, nice to me while they were dating but we never talked one-on-one except for like, one stream where i dropped in and soda wasn’t around, and that was with an audience of like 400 people. please take note if you’re a 20 year old in a relationship that means a lot to you and you’ve already fucked up a few times but your s.o. is giving you another chance- talk to their friends about saving the relationship BEFORE you fuck up a final time and get dumped. it’s hard to work on a relationship when it’s already ended.

speaking of working on relationships, i need to work on being an actual adult because my dumb shit is actively starting to wear on andrew’s nerves. and i don’t like it when he’s frustrated with me. he doesn’t like being frustrated with me. and he asks so little of me, i need to stop being a brat and be there for him the way he is for me.

last night we started the intro-to-pathfinder box campaign that mom got andrew for christmas last year and i got boolied into playing it since we’re down a person. i was further boolied by isrin when he took the rogue specifically so i couldn’t. rude. i ended up with the fighter, who was boring af. like just a real loyal, ale-loving, beautiful women-chasing stereotype. he’s lawful neutral for fuck’s sake. the golden retriever of fantasy tropes. b o r i n g.

so as we played i kept like adding in character quirks that made him more interesting. first: he’s mute. when he learned the way of the longsword he took a vow of silence. it’s not like if he did talk he’d lose his ability, but he’s lawful and loyal and he ~made a promise~ so. no talking. he doesn’t like even numbers, so if he ends up with an even number of gold pieces he gives one away. he’s more of a doer than a thinker, so he’s big on just like, watching people fight over shit and walking away. he fights like the protagonist in an anime- you know, the brooding one who stands and watches everyone else fight over shit and then kills the thing that was sneaking up on them with 3 well-placed slashes, flourishes his sword in a way that somehow cleans the blade, and then returns to brooding immediately. andrew laughed his head off everytime i did anything.

it was also Very Funny that isrin and tony kept expecting me to go after the treasure chests and shit because like, that’s all my last character did. she wanted All The Things and had the perception stats to find the things first. so they kept looking at me last night and going I RUN TO THE CHEST AND CHECK IT FOR TRAPS SO I CAN OPEN IT and i’m like cool. i’m standing by the doorway, looking at my fingernails. it was. so funny. they’re very good friends.

annndd back to work for me! a la prochaine mes amis

“i throw the dead lizard at the spiderweb. like HAVE SOME FOOD FUCKERS”, “jean coochie”, “you nort a boy”, <333

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