so i just hang on your words and read between the lines

currently:

reading: to-do lists
listening: postcard- jukebox the ghost
watching: the sound of music
obsession: really really really wanting a latte right now

i realized as i was typing all that up that i completely let my 30 day challenges die. like dead parrot sketch dead. pining for the fjords. whoops.

i’m not entirely surprised that i did but i am a little disappointed in myself, which seems to be my default feeling about myself these days.
“i’ll do the laundry tonight!” doesn’t do laundry in favor of watching dumb shit on youtube? not surprised, a little disappointed.
“i’m going to eat healthy! i’ll go to the gym!” NEVER goes to the gym, reverts to early college small breakfast/minuscule lunch/largish dinner habits, but without all the salads? not surprised. just disappointed.
“i’m going to have a focused day at work and get caught up! it’ll only take like 2 days if i just focus!!” l o l whomst even believes this shit anymore

mostly i just need some fecking coffee to get rid of this god-awful caffeine headache and an iota of self control.

i was going to go to bed early yesterday and instead joined up on tuesday night babe shenanigans. we watched the sound of music this time and it was a BLAST. i always forget how much i sincerely love that movie. and anything with the babes becomes a beautiful experience. some excellent bits from last night:
• everyone sharing their memories about each song
• KURT!!! god bless what’s his name, god bless kurt.
• the repeated mushroom gathering jokes about snillo- this looks like PRIME mushroom gathering real estate!
• the gazebo thirst
• “i mean, his name is rolf? it’s not really a spoiler that he’s going to be a nazi?”
• the back and forth where turtle and i kept turning our facecams on to make faces at each other and then realized we were both drinking lemon seltzer and yelled about
• everyone turning their facecams off for the sweet kissing scene
• GO GOATS GO GOATS
• “f actually stands for fucking kill nazis”
• how much we all love max even though he’s objectively an asshole
• getting Real Emotional™ about edelweiss
• ponti fucking saying “asshole closed for business” in the middle of us all stressing out about the abbey search scene
• everyone wanting to learn folk dances
• “imagine getting roasted at your wedding”
• the bicycle scene in do re mi
• everyone just generally dunking on the baroness for being really boring
• mando giving us Historical Context for everything
• really inappropriate God Jokes so we’re all going to hell (“typical god…. always cockblocking”)

like i just really love my friends. they’re so good.

HOWEVER. psyryn is a problem.
she won’t stop being relentlessly negative and that’s not what we’re here for. any of us.
sure we complain and whine and bitch and all that but we take it in turns and allow the group to pull us up and we TRY. psy…. does not. she is unhappy every day, either can’t or won’t read the metaphorical room, complains about the same 4 things and then won’t listen to any advice we have to give that would literally solve at minimum two of those problems, and wears out her welcome so quickly.
she very badly wants an SO. this is not a problem, a bunch of our babes want the same thing. she has toxic exes she still communicates with. again, she’s not the only one. but she’s the only one that has the ability to cut ties with those exes with minimal consequences, enabling her to get herself in the headspace to get back out there or whatever, and she won’t do it. flat out refuses. mando has to work with her toxic ex, there’s no way that she could just remove herself and if she could i think she would do it. but psy? long distance friendships with both that make her insecure and miserable. and she just.. holds on to it. she’s scared to let that mess go and won’t let us help. which, fine. we can’t live her life for her. but it’s a constant refrain. weekly we hear about how upset she is that one of them did something or other that hurt her or made her so angry or whatever and it’s so tiring. so. tiring.
gabby actually is to the point that she’s trying to avoid talking to psy as much as possible because it’s damaging gabby’s calm. and gabby needs all the calm she can get, but that’s another story.
it’s frustrating, and it’s annoying, and i think a lot of us are regretting letting her into babecord. which is very sad.

andrew and i have to do some Legit Wedding Planning tonight and i’m like… tired already whoops. i want this to be the best party for friends + family i can make it but i’m also lowkey discouraged by it because like, sarah is also getting married next year. like right after me. and anything i do is just going to get shown the fuck up by sarah and her ability to be that Southern Lady® that i will never be. so we’ll have a nice wedding, it will be a jam, and then 2 months later sarah and dylan will have a beautiful party that is memorable and thrifty and hilarious and i’m going to feel Bad™ and i don’t know how to explain that to andrew because he and his sister were never in direct competition for anything and they have such similar personalities. how do you explain that your little sister has spent most of your life steamrolling and out-shining you and that you’re just kinda used to it by now but you wish the same wasn’t going to be true for your wedding and you don’t want to in any way diminish that you’re so so so happy to get married and you’re going to love your party but there’s going to be a part of you that will never be Good Enough to measure up to your sister???

ANYWAY. more on that landmine later i guess.

i should actually do work now since i have done none of that this morning whoops :boomboxShrug:

“you’re one of the nicest people i know, so if you beat the shit out of someone i’m pretty sure they deserve it!”, “kill dad”, “this is Dumb Bitch representation”…. <33