time won’t pass us by

27

currently:
reading- facebook birthday wishes
listening- hamilton soundtrack
watching- mbmbam animatics
obsession- how tired i am


it is my birthday. it does not feel like it.

and not in a boo-hoo where are my presents god i wish i was 15 and all my friends and family have to buy me gifts wah adult presents suck way, but in a.. all my family and friends are in nc and i am not, half the people on facebook saying happy birthday haven’t actually spoken to me since they said happy birthday to me last year, i wish i could have a party but my apartment sucks and the only people coming would be andrew’s friends that are only kindof my friends, we’re going to dinner tonight but i don’t know where i want to go, every place is either too expensive for me to feel good about it or plebeian, why did i move, i miss my family, why did i move sortof way.

and i don’t regret the move. i don’t. i could not have lived a happy life in the place i grew up. but i really miss my mom and dad, and my grandparents’ health is failing, and my cousin is going to have another baby and xander is already 1 and i miss my friends in greensboro and in asheville. making friends outside of work here is difficult because ~anna,~ though that has gotten way better since we moved out. but just.. i have conversations with bodi like once a week now and i talk to mairead occasionally and  cymbre every so often and lindsey in bursts of communication and shawna on a steady but not set schedule but.. they are all Elsewhere. and i know that what i need in a friend is someone who will come grab me and push me out of my room every so often and andrew does that but andrew can’t be my Only Friend, we would kill each other.

it is my birthday. i am 27. i feel 21. i need to go to the doctor, and the eye doctor, and get my car fixed and my oil changed. i have needed to do these things for months. i have not done them. i feel like a bad adult. andrew and i want to have kids in the next few years. how am i supposed to get my shit together enough to take care of myself, let alone a kid??

in the next 3 years we anticipate getting married, getting a house, and having a kid. and i haven’t done laundry in a week because i’d much rather watch dumb shit on youtube with andrew. we’re moving again in june, after our la trip, and so we need to pack our shit up again. i’m going to lose my mind.

okay, i’m getting choppy and i’m winding myself up but.. today is my birthday, and i just want to take a bath and go to bed.

also i literally forgot that 27 is divisible by 3 this morning. yikes.

hopefully i can add to this after dinner and be happier about this whole thing.

leftover pizza for lunch, y’all.


next morning edit:

things DID perk up after lunch. i got some work done for once and andrew had flowers delivered to my office- all yellow and purple. they’re lovely and keeping me company here until the weekend, when they’ll be going home with me. when i got home he took me to dinner at founding farmers. i had a lovely manhattan with my glazed salmon and mash and the i got some cookies for dessert. it was nice!

my grandparents called after we got home and miss them a whole bunch. papa sang happy birthday to me- the only person who sang all day!- and sang the third line as “happy birthday i love you” instead of with my name. it made me cry a little, tbh. my sister left me one of her “sarah stories” on facebook as a present, which was excellent. she’s such an improbable person and her unintentional prop comedy is top notch. this story included a dress with pockets and her phone getting stuck in that pocket because SOMEHOW the pocket lining got caught between the glass screen protector affixed to her phone screen and the phone screen itself. in the aftermath, her pocket has acquired a hole and her “daggum” phone has acquired some lingering cloth fibers. ridiculous.

the only downer after work is that t’challa chewed through my brand new mac charger cord, which was my ~actual~ birthday present from andrew since i could not afford to replace the first one he chewed through on friday night. my mac is useless until i get a new one, which means i can’t take work home since andrew’s laptop doesn’t have excel on it, which means it’s going to be just that much harder to catch up at work.

lord help me.

anyway, it still didn’t feel much like my birthday, but it was considerably nicer after halftime.

sunflowers, shortbread, chai-infused vermouth<33

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