we got time to lose our way

currently:
reading- this very diary what i am writing in now
listening- carey, joni mitchell
watching- the good place season 2
obsession- solid lotion


back on my bullshit, writing in my diary AT WORK. what up bad coping mechanisms.

so, rachel from the past, while trying very hard to be a good person and occasionally succeeding, was pretty insufferable. like, i was a teenager so i get a few passes, but golly gee i needed to Chill Out. that patented small town teenage christian “i say swear words so i’m edgy” while also being wayyy holier-than-thou about literally every thing that gets morals attached to it for no reason schtick gets real old real fast. i needed several stern talking-tos and a large dose of perspective.

while it’s INCREDIBLY cringey to read actual words i actually wrote about how i felt about things i had no business having opinions about, it’s actually been a helpful to me at this SPECIFIC moment in my life. the one thing i got right in high school was friends. some of the people i wrote about back then are still present in my life, and the ones that are not were left behind for a reason. the sheer love that manifests in the entries where i talk about hanging out in groups, doing silly things (even if it was with people i no longer give a single damn about) has reminded me that i have that in myself. that person is somewhere in this weird flesh prison i inhabit and all i need to do is figure out how to make that work again.

i’ve been reminded that i’ve had bad friendship breaks before. is allll the shit that went down with bronwen really worse than anything that happened with tess or jordyn? is this incredibly awkward song and dance i’m doing with anna any more awkward than trying to be friends with curtis way back when? or being forced into close proximity with richard johnson or friggin IAN? maybe the current nonsense has more sting to it because instead of being sixteen and an idiot i’m twenty-six and living two states away from my family, but like. This Too Shall Pass. bron can like kick it in chapel hill and anna can live somewhere i’ll probably visit every six months or so and maybe they will date (or continue to???) and maybe they won’t and like. not my division anymore. i’ll make friends when i get a FUCKING NEW JOB (whenever that happens lololool) and like, 65% of the awks will cease when anna and i aren’t dancing around in the same department at our job anymore.

but anyway, rereading this mess has reminded me that, despite how sometimes i feel like a literal idiot child bouncing around blindly trying desperately to figure out what i’m doing and why i’m doing it, i’m leaps and bounds more mature than i was even in college. i’m still growing even though i’m grown and it helps to see proof that i have made progress in my ~personal development~

“is that matt doyle?,” “oh merde.,” carthago delenda est<33

Log in to write a note
April 12, 2018

this is beautiful and you are beautiful and i am so lucky to have gotten to watch you grow and continue watching until i die (because let’s be real, i’m WAY more unhealthy than you).

love you, best friend 💕