I Don’t Know

Personal Log 0921.122822

Its early, I am at work, no traffic so its quiet and I am sitting here, in my head, wondering around. Which is not always a good thing. But you take that mixed with Paul Cardell radio on Pandora it will make you think and wonder, at least for me it does. Honestly I do my best thinking like that, usually when I am driving. It was actually one of the reasons why I loved driving rideshares. Aside from getting to meet new people, in between rides it would allow me to have that time to think on things. I always did my driving at night tho, I always found solitude in the night. I cant tell you how many people I actually helped, and I dont mean just by giving them a ride either. Some of the people I drove I think were in darker times than I was. There has been several instances that I went well beyond to help someone because I saw the pain they were in and the needs that were there and I was able to so I helped. I still remember a couple of them.

Like this one lady I picked up in downtown Fort Worth, she was dressed real nice like she was out celebrating something or was having a night out with the girls or something, at least that was going through my mind. But when I picked her up and she was safely in my car, is when I noticed and felt something wasnt right. She had seemed beside herself. Hell it tears me up just thinking about it because no woman should be treated like this and made to feel the way she did that night. I just pray she is doing better now. Any how I had asked her if she was doing ok, and she said she was but I heard the cracking in her voice. Before I had a chance to ask what was wrong her friend called her and well you cant help but over hear even tho you try not to. But that crack I heard opened more as she started to sob. I knew something wasnt right and wanted to do something to help. After she got off the phone, I asked what was wrong, and of course she didnt want to burden me with it, but I told her something obviously was troubling her and I had a ear to listen if she wanted to talk. And that was enough. Come to find out it was her 2nd wedding anniversary, and her husband left her at the restaurant and went home. Not only that, Im not going to mention what was said, but lets just say it wasnt nice things. I felt my anger rise up, and loving concern for her. My heart just went out to her. She just cried and I wished I had some tissue at the time but I didnt, but when I had got her home I opened the door for her and helped her out of the car and she just looked at me… just looked at me with the brown eyes just lost, hurt, confused, and whirlwind of other emotions. And then she just fell into my chest crying and all I could do was hold her and comfort her. I consoled her, and what made it worse for me was they had a 2 year old little girl I think she said. She didnt deserve any of what had happened to her that night. I told her to be strong, not just for herself but for her daughter as well. To hell with him, that she needed to focus on herself and her daughter, because obviously he didnt care about her with his actions, which spoke to me that he didnt love her, and very well could have had someone else in the wind. Man I remember leaving her that night feel angry at him. Hell I even told her if I could I would go in her house and kick his ass for her, but I couldnt do that. It at least made her smile and laugh alittle so I guess that helped her a bit. Or at least know that someone cared enough about her to say something like that I dont know. She was just one of many that I was able to help.

I am a Christian and one of my favorite versus comes from the book of Philippians chapter 2:3-4 saying  Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. and to put this into context the first two scriptures say,  Therefore if there is any encouragement in Christ, if there is any consolation of love, if there is any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and compassion, make my joy complete by being of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose. Its easy for people to say I care about you, because speaking is easy to do. Anybody anywhere can say one thing, but to do said thing is another. How many times have you or someone you know said, Im here for you anytime, and then when they reach out to you or you to them the following statement comes out “I cant right now, Im to busy right now maybe later.” 

Saying this makes me chuckle a little because, my wife gets irritated with me because I do care about others. And as she would tell you, “I care about them more than her” which I care for her just the same and more. But she is also not me, and this is something that is hard for people to understand. You would be surprised at how many times I have been asked why I care so much for people I dont even know. Well I say, do you want the short answer or the long answer? Well I will just tell you both. Short answer is, why not? Long answer is this, if you watch the news you know what I am talking about. But when you actually stop and look at this world and everything that is said and goes on, its not hard to see a world that is dark, a world that is in turmoil. You watch the news and you see a report on a shooting, or a kidnapping or something else that is, well depressing. A person tries to care only for it to be thrown back at them, and trust me I know, or the attitude is what are you trying to get or what angle are your tring to play at. Everyone thinks now that everyone is out to get you, trust is so low in our society that when someone, like me, with a warm compassionate loving heart comes up and wants to take care of you and your needs people think you weird or strange. They look at you funny, they think what are you wanting or not saying. Why are you being so kind and nice, which has become almost revolutionary in some aspects. Everyone thinks that no one is kind anymore only out for their own gains, and that is a very dark thought. When did caring for your neighbor stop being a thing, why does it take a major disaster like 9/11 to bring people back? So why not be that small yet bright glimmer of hope for those with eyes to see, to see that loving kindness has not burned out. There might only be only enough people out here that you can count on one hand that actually cares enough to care for you, but why not be that one beacon of hope. Why not try to bring some goodness back into the dark of society? Why not care about someone other than yourself?

And thats where I get asked this, well havent you been burned and hurt because of that, becuase you care so much? Yes, yes I have! On many occasions. But out of those many occasions, if there was at least one that I could help and did, than guess what, it was all worth it. See, Love for the majority is conditional. Meaning I love this or you so long as x, y, z. And for me that was true too. But I learned that was not what love meant. What do I mean, well take your pet for example. A dog, no matter what, that dog is going to love you. Now Im not talking about the ones you see on the ASPCA commercials, but even for them, when they are adopted by a loving home, the love you no matter what, even with what they went through, they will still love you. Why? Why is that? Because for them love knows no bounds. Their love for you is unconditional. As is God’s love for us. We cant understand what that love is because we dont know how to love that way because it seems like a fairy tale. Here is another way to look at it, The love we have for our children, and our parents for us, knows no bounds. No matter what we did or do, or what or children have done or will do, we love them no matter what, its an Unconditional Love. You might get hurt, you might get disappointed, you might even get destroyed by them, but no matter what you love them because they are your kids. We are God’s children, its an Unconditional love that bonds us. But when it comes to things or relationships, it is “Oh I love you until…” Wedding vows, are meant to be for life. Not until it no longer suits my needs. Weddings now are viewed more like contracts, and it was never suppose to. I have had newly weds I have talked to ask me if I have any advice for them. I ask how much time do you have?

Just follow with me on this. I am going to give to examples here and I will explain each one. I tell newly married couples this, first I ask a question. Why did you get married? Typical response, well because we love each other. Ok well why do you love each other? Thats where it grabs their attention. They start giving me lists as to why they love one another, which is great, but then I ask this. Did you choose to be with each other or were you forced to be together? With a puzzled look like “ok thats a weird question” they say we choose to be with each other. And I say “BINGO” and the look depends. Thats where I go into my advice. I say you choose to be with each other which in turn you choose to love one another. You CHOOSE to love one another and you choose to be with each other. Remember that, because everything your feeling now, wont be here 10 years from now. The road is not going to be smooth and worry free. Its going to have its bumps and humps and holes. Life is going to throw monkey wrenches in the mix, the road is going to narrow, and squeeze you to the point of wanting to give up on each other and say Im not in love with you anymore. And its easy to do. No one said that Love was easy, no one said marriage was easy, in fact no one said LIFE was easy. It never is, but you are choosing to be with each other and have made that commitment to one another. But that commitment is more than just a commitment, its a covenant. It doesnt matter how hard things get, you choose to be with each other because of love. Love is not conditional, its unconditional. And this is where I bring in my two examples. I ask them this, in the beginning you have Adam and Eve, whom were created by God, His creation, His children. We all know what happened, in the beginning, God, could have said you know what its not worth this, this is not what I intended, this is not what I wanted, you didnt listen to me and got all angry and so on and so on. He could have and destroyed us all right then and there. Why didnt He? He loved what He had created, and made a choice to LOVE. He choose to continue to loves us in spite  of what they did. He choose love over all. Example number two. Christ during His crusifiction. All the way through it and even before. Jesus had a choice the same choice we all face today. Even in the darkest of hours, what do we choose to do, love? or not? Christ was spit on, beaten, battered, mocked, made fun of, paraded around as show, humiliated, and the list goes on. Even upon the cross, He was still cursed, but what was it that He said. “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.” Why would a man, that had been put through everything that He had been put through ask this? Think on it for a minute… He said that because even through everything He still loved everyone one of them. What kind of love is that? It is an unconditional love. He could have chosen otherwise, He could have said to heck with this your not worthy of my love, but He didnt do that. He loved us still despite all of that. You choose each other, to be one with each other. Two lives become one, its no longer about him or her, its about your life. Things will get hard, but remember you choose each other, you choose to love each other no matter the cost, no matter the circumstances. Remember that.

Thats what I tell them. Which I hear, I never thought about it like that. No one ever does. I dont know why I was thinking about this today. Maybe I just needed to remind myself. Either way, this is just what I was thinking about right now. I try, I try to be and do so much for others. Because I care, I truly care about others. And its not something I just say. People may never understand why or why I care so much, I just do and all I can say is thats how God wanted me to be. Im not saying I am perfect by any means, Lord knows I have… made my fair share of mistakes, some I have found hard to even forgive myself for. But to Love is to Forgive, and to Forgive is to Love one cannot exist without the other. In my time as a rideshare driver I was called anything from a mobile therapist to a guardian angel. Maybe I just have a different view on life than most, maybe I just see things differently than others, I dont know what it is. However, I am grateful for how the Lord uses me. And maybe this is what He has me here for, who knows.

I just hope that over the course of my life, I have helped to make an impact on some peoples lives in ways that maybe they will never know or understand, and it be because I served God, the best way I could. Its not about me, it never is, its about God. Its about Jesus. I just do the best I can and try to be the best person I can be in this life. But I am not perfect, but I try the best I can.

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December 30, 2022

very insightful, it good that you have god as guidance