Almost 2am and drowning in thoughts of you

B,

I tried keeping a physical journal to help me to cope with your loss. Everyday I wanted to write you a letter about anything that happened during my day or anything I wanted to say to you, but I found that I cut most letters short because my hand can’t keep up with my mind. I haven’t been very consistent these past couple of months, and I’m sorry for that. I hope you don’t think that you are not on my mind or that I don’t miss you because that is far from the truth.

The truth is, I just don’t feel like I’m getting better as time passes. You’ve been gone for over two months now, and I feel like as the days pass I’m feeling worse rather than healing. I don’t know the exact order of the stages of grief, or how long (on average) each stage lasts, but I just know this is going to be something that I carry with me forever. Every moment I smile or laugh, a part of my brain asks how I can even do such a thing when you’re no longer here. Why am I able to feel emotions such as happiness, when your sadness was so overwhelming it took you away from me? I am so broken, and angry, at you and mostly at me for how this life turned out. I am constantly lost in my mind, visualizing different scenarios. Saying different things to you, wondering maybe if these conversations in my mind had actually happened then maybe you would still be here.

I tell myself one day I’ll see you again when it’s my turn, but what if I don’t? What if this really was the only time we’d see other and after that, it’s just nothing? I try so hard not think that, but I’m so afraid that is the case. I’ve received no signs that you are ok, and at peace, and happy now. Why? Isn’t that something that happens in these kinds of situations? Before, I kept telling myself it would happen after the funeral. Once everyone said their goodbyes and you were cremated and finally out of wherever they kept you. When you were truly at rest. But, still nothing. I think I stopped looking for signs and accepting the fact that I’ll never talk to you again.  How does someone begin to accept that? I can’t, not yet and I don’t see how I can ever. I just wanted one sign. That’s all I wanted and needed to make sure you were ok and then I could be ok, but there’s been nothing and that’s just been something I’ve been having a really hard time with.

Some days are better days and I don’t cry and I function like a normal human. But other days, the panic and dread sets in. Reality sets in when I can’t pretend that isn’t real anymore. It’s days like today. I functioned normally; went to school, went to work, ate dinner, studied (or pretended to). And then I realize, you’re gone. Actually gone. All I have is a handful of pictures and a pendant with a tiny bit of you that I can carry with me. That’s it. On the good days, I go to bed wishing and hoping that I will see you in my dreams and will be able to have one last talk with you and tell you how sorry I am for letting you down. I want to tell you that I’m not really mad at you, and I don’t blame you but that I just wished you would’ve stuck it out a little longer for me. Just gave me a little more time to show you you’re ok and you’re loved and I am here.

It’s too late into the night now. I know I won’t be able to function like a normal person tomorrow. I’m sorry if that disappoints you, but I am so deeply sad and tired and just not wanting to do those mediocre everyday life things that just don’t hold a sense of significance to me anymore.

I think typing out my letters to you is better though. I’ve never been able to make it this far in a handwritten letter.

I love you and think of you always.