Death is so final. There is no closure or second chances. It’s taking me a long time to realize that. You’re gone and that’s the end of it. I think that’s the toughest thing to come to terms to. I’m so devastated and angry. Our lives weren’t supposed to be like this. We were supposed to be together forever. I’m going to be growing and aging, but no matter how old I get you’re still going to be this 20 something year old guy. Frozen that way in my memories. I don’t want to accept that.
I’m losing my mind. My sleeping pattern is getting worse and worse. Normally, I can’t sleep until 3 or 4am, but I couldn’t fall asleep until 7am today. I missed class and for the most part I didn’t care. It’s just hard to care about anything lately.
I made a doctor’s appointment for a couple of weeks from now. I’m hoping she can prescribe me something for my anxiety and depression and refer me to a counselor. We’ll see how it goes. It feels so wrong to seek help when 1) I don’t really want to feel better or continue leaving and 2) I don’t deserve to.
I guess its just some small steps in the “right” direction. It’s almost 1AM now and I still have to attempt to study for a quiz tomorrow. I have no idea what’a going on. I’m honestly probably just going to go to bed. I’m too tired to care right now. Hopefully I can actually sleep tonight.
Missing you is painful.