In Light of Recent Events

B,

I’m so sad, and I’m sorry I haven’t written to you as much as I said I would. It’s really hard for me, even to type these things. I hate thinking about what happened, I hate thinking about the fact that you’re gone. It only gets harder. There is no healing with a loss like this, just constant agony. Sometimes it’s numbness, but never for long.

I just feel like I hear more bad news everyday. Like I said, it only gets worse. We’re approaching on 3 months since you’ve left this earth and I feel like I’m in a worse state of mind than I had been at the beginning. I still feel a combination of anger and sadness. There is no closure, there is no relief…this is just how things are. How am I supposed to live with that? This is too much to carry.

I’m resisting the urges to self harm, but the truth is that it feels more tempting everyday. I don’t know how else to make the pain feel not as awful, besides that. It’s been a little over a year since I last cut into my own skin, but the thoughts are back and stronger again. I promise I’m trying to resist as much as I can, but I feel myself slipping.

When I found out you were gone, I promised myself I wouldn’t do the same thing that you did. Not because I didn’t want to, but because I had to be there for your sisters. I had to make sure they were ok, and I didn’t want to make them go through that pain again. I was never mad at you, even though I sometimes try to make myself feel that way because I think it would be easier to handle than the sadness I feel. I don’t ever blame you for leaving, and I never thought that you were weak for doing so. You were always an incredibly brave person and I admired you. But, as time passes and I realize you’re still gone and never coming back, those thoughts come back to me. That this world isn’t worth living in, not without you. I don’t think that I can live out the rest of my life with this kind of pain. I’m really at my breaking point. I find myself thinking that this is the only way out. Before, I was determined to be strong for everyone, but I feel that mindset dimming. I think less of the pain I may or may not cause and more of the suffering that would end for myself. The guilt, the sadness, the anger…it’s too much to live with. And picturing you like that. Alone and in pain and feeling like no one loved you. I wish I had made it clear that you were loved so deeply, not just by me. I wish I been more diligent in making sure you realized, but instead I think you left this earth feeling like no one loved you.

It seems like every time I log onto social media, I read about another well known person that was lost to suicide. So naturally, there’s this outpouring of posts and articles about making sure to check in on your loved ones, and I get so angry. I can’t read any of those bullshit articles because what some people don’t realize, is sometimes the signs aren’t clear, or they’re mixed up signs of something else. Something not as drastic. Sometimes people hide and there’s no way of knowing what they’re thinking or that they are as bad as they are. And then it’s too late. I’m just sick and tired of this endless cycle.

I don’t want to be here. I don’t think there’s a path in this lifetime that leads to me being happy or living a fulfilled life. I think this is it. This constant struggle with myself and my mind. I tried so hard to be positive and change myself, but it was for nothing. I can’t be happy. I don’t think everyone was meant for that, especially not me. Most importantly, I don’t deserve to be happy. You did, and I failed you.

I’m sorry.

I’m trying to stop thinking like this, but it’s hard. I miss and love you.