Is COVID saving my relationship or ruining my life?

I was so close to changing my life. I’m a masters student, and last week, just as the corona virus really began to spread, was our last week of school before spring break. My classmates and I made plans to “hang out a lot over the break!”. Meanwhile, I was fed up with my relationship – my live in boyfriend – who drank all night and slept all day and never did anything romantic for me. I was falling head over heels for another man, a responsible, handsome, talented, and funny guy who I could talk to for hours and legitimately seemed like more of a man than a boy. Good partner material. A real catch. I made plans to take a day in the mountains and decide what I wanted. I was planning to have a conversation with the boyfriend at best, and break up with him at worst. He didn’t seem to care about me so why should I continue to care about our relationship when theres someone else who always smiles when he sees me and makes my mind explode?

And then we were asked to quarantine.

We’ve been spending a lot more time together. He’s started going to bed at the same time as me, and we hang out during the day. He’s been nice, caring, and attentive – at least more so than before. I’m reminded of how our relationship was before I started college. We spent 24/7 together, laughing and drinking and having a good time. We’ve shared hobbies. We’ve made big plans together and conquered challenges together. We moved across the country together. We stayed strong through all of that. My motivation to have a talk with him wavers, and we never talk. Things are okay. Why rock the boat when we’re stuck together for the foreseeable future?

But this other man is in my dreams. Every night, he’s there. Just existing, just smiling, just being a light in my mind. I wake up craving his company. I think about texting him, and decide I can’t come on to strong. And then I spend the day on the couch with my boy. It’s not fair to anyone. But it’s not like I can make it stop. I think about him when boy and I make love. That’s also not fair to anyone, and I know I should stop. He feels like an addiction, an obsession. I waste time worrying about his past relationships instead of trying to fix my current one. Is this love? Is this just my brain trying to tell me something? I am a cynic and I don’t like to listen to my “heart”. But it’s pull is so so strong. Should I even be fixing my current relationship? Or should I go back to my pre-quarantine objective to end things so I can fully pursue whoever I want? Guilt free?

We’re going to online school this week. My “crush”, if that’s what we should call it, suggested that we all meet up to stream the lectures together. Today I find out there won’t be a synchronous streaming of the lectures – it will be up to us to get the work done on our own time. There goes my excuse to see him twice a week. Perhaps we can study together? There is no guarantee. I don’t want to pester him to ask. I don’t want to come on too strong. I should stay focused on my own relationship if that’s what I’m choosing. But I crave his company. Am I repeating myself?

My decision, ongoing, is no decision. Continue this half assed relationship for the time being. Continue to secretly feel passionately for someone else, and to pursue him within the bounds of friendship. But the world is taking away my opportunities for friendship, one by one. I was going to change things, make important decisions, move forward in life. And now I’m wrestling daily with indecision. Sitting here on my butt fantasizing and doing nothing. But what can I do? For now… continue on as I have. And hope that the universe will guide me in the right direction.

 

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March 26, 2020

Welcome to Open Diary! I hope the universe gives you some guidance in your decision 🙂