I feel lost

I feel like I’m loosing my sense of self. I find myself wondering what am I actually like or where my actual interest lies. This is all thanks to my mother’s habit of comparing me to my friends and even my other four siblings. Her habit of always throwing every little mistake I made to my face made into the coward I am today. She rarely complimented my achievements. In her eyes there was always me and my failures. She never failed to notice my mistakes. As a result of her talking me down in front of my sibling especially my younger sister and younger brother everyday, they started looking down on me calling me good for nothing whenever they notice my doing something sloppily. It makes me want to cry every single time. We used to be close with my siblings before but now we somehow drifted apart. In the beginning I tried talking to them explaining myself but overtime I sadly got used to their behavior and now I just believe their words. I lost my self esteem. I feel like I’ll fail whatever I try my hands at. I admit I may have not been the best daughter my mother could have. I don’t always listen to her. I don’t always try to learn the things she wants me to learn. But I find myself looking at her expression whenever I do something in her presence. And if she frowns even just a little I feel nervous. I’m tired of living like but no matter how hard I try I keep falling into the same cycle of self doubt, self hatred and overall depression.

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August 22, 2021

Parents are human. FLAWED people. WE ALL ARE. You are not defined by those around you. You define yourself. Pay less attention to what you imagine they think of you or what people say. There is no need to hate yourself. It is a form of masochism. Been there, done that. How many people did you torture and kill recently? What great horrible things have you done? You are apparently living in a very toxic environment. I suspect you are a teenager. Find the little good things in yourself. Start by practicing ignoring the cruelties others try to throw on you. When people are cruel or try to diminish you, it shows how fucked up they are not you. Raise that head up kiddo! You are not the person you think others think you are. You are better than that.

October 28, 2021

You are not alone… please email me I need a friend with the same problems. Arianaaskew2@gmail.com