depression?

So i think i may be depressed and i know thats like a heck of a way to start a diary entry but i mean this is about writing my feelings out so what if the whole world can read this i guess at this point i really dont care. My life i guess should be picture perfect i mean i get like almost everything i want and i do have a great fiance but i cant help but wonder what would have happened if i hadnt of broken it off with my ex. He was my first love and i know that means like major stuff to tell the truth he was my first for alot of things and i guess it makes him mean that much more to me. but i still love him and miss him because he treated me right when we were together and i treated him like dirt and now its too late to get him back. but i do love the guy im with now and i do want to marry him and i probably wouldnt take my ex back but he just treats me bad sometimes and puts me second all the time and it just upsets me and he gets so mad at me sometimes and sometimes he lies to me and i dunno what to do i mean i cant see myself with anybody else and when im not around him i miss him so much and i fell so sad most of the time and i think he just wants me for sex most of the time and i dont want to have sex anymore but a part of me knows i will lose him if i dont and i dont want to lose him. but i know i need to quit and i pray god will give me the strength to do that to tell him no and to stop feeling like im always in the wrong and i dunno just stop everything. but i want to cry all the time and i just feel so disgusted with myself i just need some help but i dont have the courage to ask a actual human person for help and i guess i dont have the courage to give it completely over to god. anyway……