Hope everyone is doing well today. The voices just told me they were leaving because they were having “legal problems” which is cool. I’m sure they will stick around because they always seem to but thats cool! haha they watch me 25/8. I kinda wanna write about my whole experience with my hallucinations and delusions because that’s like a whole movie lmao. This is mostly just for me because I wanna remember this stuff for future reference. I’ve actually wanted to write a book about it someday! 😊
Ok there’s no real time when it started it kinda just creeped up on me. I would start getting paranoid thoughts and thinking people were following me and stuff. These paranoid thoughts eventually just increased until I believed everyone other then emediate family was out to get me. I felt comfortable around most friends but one. So the one friend I didn’t feel comfortable around was one that I had previously had a crush on. we’ll call him steve.
So one night I was really out of it and I was hearing constant screams. It seemed like I wasn’t even awake and I was in like some type of sleep state. But I wasn’t asleep. I woke up experiencing thought loops and if you don’t know what a thought loop is i’ll give you an example. So say I pick up a glass of water, set it down and then go to my computer. I then forget that I picked up the cup and pick it up again and go to my computer again. I continue this process for quite a while. But Instead I was walking back and forth from my garage to my room grabbing different paint supplies. I eventually got out of it and got in the shower where I had thought loops. I was having the same thought over and over. I can’t remember the other thought but all i remember was thinking “you killed her” “you killed her”. Thats when the voices had told me that I had been raped.
The morning I had the thought loops my mom had realized something was off about me and had asked me what drug I was on. I told her I wasn’t on any drug and she just took me to the hospital where they told her I was stuck in a psychosis. When I was sitting there in the hospital I thought that I was sitting there because I had been raped or something.
What had later happened in my head was just insane. There were doctors and lawyers and voices telling me I had been raped. It later turned into a court room. Where my rapist was talking to the judge and lying about what happened and this and that. Sense I believed they could hear my thoughts and were watching me I believed the device they were using to hear my thoughts got into the prison that he went to or didn’t go to Idk. But now I don’t know who is listening but I know there are prisoners and that some of them want to kill me because of my intrusive thoughts. Intrusive thoughts are thoughts that are unwanted and usually the opposite of how I feel. They can be hateful and violent.
So basically where I’m at right now Is very paranoid and depressed. I feel trapped in my own mind and feel like it’s a purgatory.