new day new yr

I sitting at the airport leaving SF thinking back to the weekend. Month year I had. Deo appeared and disappeared from my life as he always does yet I continue to allow it. I’ve come to realized I’ve been the one to let it happen for so long. I had the weirdest weekend with Nat. Some people are really stuck in their ways. Or maybe our ways as I’m sure I’m stuck in my own. We had a nice time until we didn’t. I left without saying goodbye this morning took a Uber and tipped the guy extra because it’s new years and why not. I had bfs and a mimosa. Tipped him well too because why not. Texted all my friends happy new year and now I’m sitting here. Thinking about the year. I suppose that if I’ve been as stubborn as Nat was this weekend I can totally see why I’m here Sanz Deo again. Either way. I’m in my head but no longer sad or depressed about it. At least for now. I have a binge of excitement for what’s to come even if I don’t have any plans. I’m beginning to think that I can try to look at partnership in the practical way. At least I thought about it being a possibility until this weekend and after spending time with Nat I realized it just doesn’t work when you have to force things. So it makes sense. Deo makes sense. Thing is. I’ll always feel the way I feel about him. I’ll always long and desire a life with him from afar but I know I must move on. I can understand it now. The only thing difficult in my forseable future is this dumb competition at work. I wish I could get out of it but other than that I can cruise though the rest of my life I just need to do one day at a time and pace through life. Raise the kids. Feed them. Cloth them. Bathe them. That’s all and I can minimize everything else in life. They are minimum that’s the goal.
I hope Deo had a good new year. I hope he’s thinking of me even in the tiniest bit. Even if he never talks to me again I hope I cross his mind and he thinks of me fondly. Maybe one day we’ll be friends.

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