It feels like spiders have infested my mind and are clawing their way out as I stand by helplessly. Everything has been bothering me. The lack of work, having to cook or clean, needing to converse with friends to avoid losing a connection.. My sickly boyfriend coughing on me. I started therapy hoping it would help.. and it does.. for a day, maybe two. Then I’m back here stuck in my head feeling like I’m on the verge of exploding. I want to run as far away as possible. The problem is that I’m trying to run from my own mind which isn’t exactly possible. I guess that’s why I’m even writing this because it’s the closest I’ll ever get to actually untangling the knotted yarn up there. My therapist told me she thinks I have BPD and PTSD. It’s nice to put a name to it, but it isn’t nice to have those names doing laps around mind. I was already constantly questioning myself, and didn’t realize it could actually get worse. It feels like she basically said ‘yea you’re brain is for sure broken and makes you a little crazy at times’. Well, now is one of those times. Why is the sound of him coughing next to me making me want to rip the skin off of my body? I can actually physically feel how sick my brain is right now. I’m exhausted from doing essentially nothing. It’s just that my brain will not stop. Even as I’m writing this it’s going 1,000 mph with things unrelated. I’m basically constantly internally screaming, and have a tension headache 90% of the time. The worst part is I have no idea how to fix any of it. I got stressed from the job I was working, so I left, but now I’m stressed over not working. My boyfriend stresses me out, so I gave myself space, but now I’m stressed cause I don’t know if I’m causing the stress or he is. I’m stressed from school, so I took a break, but now I’m behind and even more stressed. Why can’t I find the stupid balance?? Why can’t my brain just function? Why is our society like this? Because I know damn well I am not the only one this stressed. I want to crawl into a hole.
I was starting to get a grip.. I even logged back onto school to try do the research I need to write this paper after cooking dinner.. The first article she assigned for me to read is about heroine addiction. Maybe I’m just having some sort of PTSD symptom. I just wish this would stop.