I know that everything is going to be OK in the end, but at the moment it’s not. I’m sad, angry, lonely, jobless and broke.
I’m sad because I miss the sea. The sea is so beautiful and vast. It calms me and it gives me energy. I love the freshness, the sound of crashing waves, the cries of seagulls. I love the colours. They are always different depending on the weather. But my favourite is teal – a mixture of blue and green. Right now, nothing around me is teal.
I’m angry because I used to live next to the sea. It took me five minutes to walk from my house to the beach and I loved it. But then I moved inland because of a job. Not just any job – an opportunity of a lifetime! And it was, while it lasted. Eight months later I lost it. It was too difficult for me, I couldn’t cope. I tried so hard to keep up with others, but it wasn’t enough. “Gap of capability” as they put it. I took an inferior position in the same company in hopes of working my way up back to the original role, but it wasn’t to be – I lost this job also, this time because of Covid.
That was over a year ago and I’m still here. Not so much because I’m hoping to get either of the jobs back, but just because I have nowhere else to go. If I found a job in some nice seaside town, I’d be gone from this area in an instant. But so far, no luck. My mum and my ex would have a lot to say about this. I can almost hear their disapproving voices telling me that I should lower my expectations and apply for what’s available. I’m afraid I can’t do that. I could refill shelves and serve coffees when I first came here, but now, after working in a highly-skilled prestigious profession, I just can’t do it anymore. I’ll snap at someone with an attitude ten minutes into the shift and that will be the end of it.
As I don’t work, I’ve got no money. A year ago, I had few grand in savings, now all of it is gone. I’ve been surviving on unemployment benefits and on what my friend kindly lends me, but I don’t know how much longer I can manage.
The first thing I’ll do when I start working is buy myself a bicycle. Small, light and elegant. Maybe even in a lovely teal colour. Then I can ride it to the beach whenever I want.