I thought it was just severe anxiety, but now I realize that my past mental condition is trying to resurface due to stressors in my life.
Years ago when I was college, I was extremely depressed after the passing of one of my grandmothers, my other grandmother diagnosed with Alzheimer’s with no memory of grandchildren and a miscarriage. My grandmothers was a huge part of my life and helped raised me, so it impacted me deeply. And then the lack of control over the miscarriage…all of that just hit me out of no where. I wasn’t going to classes, I was coping in other ways, and sleeping….constantly sleeping. I felt like my brain was tricking me to sleep more to where I was having dreams believing that I was attending to my college classes… but then I would suddenly faint in my dream. That’s when I would actually wake up and realize that I was asleep for 12 + hours.
It was strange…and in many ways freighting since I couldn’t tell what was real or a dream anymore.
The depression felt like I was drowning in an empty ocean and everyday I was barely treading water…trying to gasp for air…
Luckily, my husband (boyfriend at the time) realized that something was very wrong and asked me to seek help since I wasn’t going to my classes.
I was able to talk to one of the representatives of student life on campus and they were very kind to me. They had a joint relationship with an organization that offers free sessions for students.
After several sessions I was diagnosed with adjustment mood disorder.
It took me a very long time to get back my life, but I did it.
Now it looks like the fight is back on, but with more anxiety.
I recently moved away from my family and friends with my husband for better career opportunities. We were struggling so much back in our old city that we weren’t seeing much of a future for us.
Now I’m away from so many of my friends and my mom whom I’ve taken care of since my father passed away.
She suffered from several ailments to the point she could hardly walk right after he died. So I took care of her everyday until she got better. It took four years for her to regain her health again and to be independent.
During that process, I kind of loss the ability to take care of myself…especially mentally.
When my husband took on a new job opportunity, I had a family meeting with my siblings and my mom to discuss who is going to take over my role as as a caregiver.
My brother said he would, thus my journey started in a new place.
Honestly, it wouldn’t be so bad if COVID hadn’t happened. If I was able to travel to visit my family and friends more often I would be in a much better place.
However, I choose not to since with my job I work with the public. I can easily pick up COVID without knowing it and I am not going to risk the lives of my friends and family.
Thus I’m here….with no friends which means my emotional support is limited and things are resurfacing.
But I am hoping that typing here…. on OD will help bring a sense of therapeutic relief.
Compared to my first entry, I am straying away from the bottle while knowing that I must be mindful that I can relapse.
I also was able to express some of my anxieties about work to my husband which is extremely hard to do since I bottle up my emotions too much.
He listened and said if anything would happen with my job there…like being let go which is what I fear the most, that we’ll be fine financially.
That wasn’t an option before back when we lived in our old city. We’re in a better place now thanks to changes…
So this is where I will share that my hopes that writing in OD would help is coming true.
Hopefully my battle with this disorder will not dominate my life like it did before… I think I am stronger now…but I have to remember it is OK to express myself… and ask for help.
Here’s to a better tomorrow.