Hard Months Ahead

So far I am surviving January, but I feel like I was barely treading water. Sure, it could be the stress of not knowing what was going to happen on inauguration day but it happened to be on my dad’s birthday. It’s the 6th birthday without him and it felt like it was the worst day ever…

I was thinking everything would be fine and the news of a transition of power would cheer me up, but I ended up with a horrible migraine and my period was extremely bad. Periods can be bad for me, but this was different since the pain felt unusually deep or internal. I couldn’t focus on work, barely played with my fur babies, I barely ate anything, and I yelled at my husband for no reason. It was unusually bad and the cramps lasted for days.

My husband was really alarmed to the point he helped me set up an appointment with a doctor… which I should of done a long time ago. However, I was in the demographic where I couldn’t afford health care for many years and was dependent on PPH. However, the clinic had to close down due to threats, etc. by the local churches which left me to slim options for healthcare.

But that was then back in our old home and now things are different were I have insurance now thanks to getting married jargon.

However, after my bad episode I can’t shake off the depression and the anxiety is swirling around me like flying monkeys…or mosquitoes if you are a fan of Big Mouth.

Dreams about my dad started again, fears of getting fired at work started flaring, and I’m trying my best not to rely on my crutch.

I am very frustrated since I felt like I was doing so well with my self care list. But I don’t want to go back to the bottle since I know it’ll be a downward spiral. Good news is since I’ve been taking huge steps on cutting back that I’m a lightweight now which is what I wanted.

But still…talk about a hot mess!

Good news is, I finally set up an appointment sooner than expected. Most clinics weren’t accepting new patients until March/April but I managed to squeeze one in on February.

I wonder since I am approaching my late 30s with no children that my hormones are changing already. This could explain a lot of my symptoms, but I can’t state that is a fact until it is proven one way or another.

And yes, I am going to ask for medication for the anxiety. I think that I can manage my depression since it is intermittent or could be related to hormones, but the anxiety will always be a problem since it is a genetic trait passed down on both sides of the family.

Now that I’m dealing with new situations, including changes in my health it is time to seek help.

That is pretty much the theme in most of my entries!

The title says hard months ahead since it’ll be the anniversary of the death of my father. He got sick around Valentines day with the flu and spent 17 days in the ICU until we had to let him go.

I feel bad for my brother since we had the funeral a week before his birthday. At least he’s smart enough to take a week off from work for his birthday. That’s pretty wise and I think that I might have to take a few pointers from him. Perhaps I should learn to take time off around my dad’s birthday or something to help keep my mind off of things or do some reflecting.

Anyways, with my emotions being flared up already that I have concerns about the coming months… but this will be something that I’ll share with the doctor and hopefully we can agree on a method of treatment that will help.

So….here’s hoping?




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January 27, 2021

I’m sorry you’re going through such a rough time! I hope things do get better and you cope well through these hard weeks!

January 30, 2021

@mariahkporter Thank you very much. I appreciate the kind words and certainly am trying to be more hopeful.

Take care and stay safe!