shes a brick & im drowning slowly

im so mad right now, no one has any idea. argh. I got home and hung out here with breanne for awhile & i started getting a really bad headache, so i wanted some advil. Lennie went to go get me some when he went to get some beer, so in the meantime, i figured that i’d take a shower & shit and try to get warm because it was 70 degrees in my house and i kept getting chills like 4 times a minute and it just sucked really badly. So i got in the bath and was just shaving my legs and doing whatever & then it started getting cold and so I got up to wash my hair & the water was fucking freezing. I couldnt even take it, I was almost crying. I was in so much pain because my muscles kept tensing up and i kept grinding my teeth, it was fucking horrible. I never want to experience that again. So i got out of the shower, still freezing my ass off & now wanting a cigarette (but too cold to go stand at the door) & i turned the heat up to 72 degrees and now i have my little space heater in the computer room with me, and its still freezing and i’m still getting chills..even though i have 3 shirts on! argh. what the fuck. I took four advil too, so my headache is starting to go away, but i wish it would hurry up because im cold and i feel so sick and i just want to sleep );

i had big brothers big sisters today so i got to leave school early, which was awesome. I got a ride over there too so I got to smoke a cigarette, what a way to make me in a good mood (; heh..and then after that, breanne came to pick me and rachel up because my mom wasnt gonna be home to give me a ride. She came to pick us up & Rachel had a huge fit because I wanted to sit in the front. She constantly runs to sit in the front & always has to “call it” like 2 fucking miles away from the car and i told her that today i was sitting up front because im sick of always sitting in the back, never getting any heat or anything. She went on and on to tell me about how I always sit up front and she never does because I always am & i’m just like, whatever rachel. Grow the fuck up. Even though the whole conversation pissed me off. stupid girls ;x so anyways, we went back to breannes & did yoga.haha, we only did it for like 20 minutes or something, but it was great. It made me soo relaxed, I thought I was just going to pass out laying on the floor. Maybe thats why I’m so tired tonight, from not getting much sleep last night and from doing yoga. I dont know..all I know is that I’m going over to Breannes after school again tomorrow and we’re doing it again (; haha

so after we did yoga, we ate so much. Breanne & Rachel had a bowl and a half of cereal & then a bagel & I had a bagel and a bowl of cereal. haha, such pigs, even though it doesnt seem like a lot..it was. So after eating and hanging out and shit, we brought rachel back to her house because she had to go with her dad to pick up her car..Bree & I went to the bank, to her house & then back to my house cuz I was gonna burn a couple of her CDs. haha..I ended up burning 14 of them ;x haha..I’m happy though because now I have a bunch of new great ones to listen to..I got Ben Folds Five, a couple Bright Eyes, Smashing Pumpkins, a couple Switchfoot, 2 Norah Jones, Yellowcard, the cranberries, & the postal service. woot. haha. So then that took like 45 minutes & then lennie was making homefries so me and bree ate a bunch of those, haha, not too many though..& then she went home and then thats when I had that horrible shower story with the chills ;x psh. I’m mad, I WANT TO BE WARMMMM.

I hope that everything goes okay with tomorrow. I’m supposed to be going home with Breanne after school, picking up Dylans..Brees crush, going back to her house, doing yoga, & then seth is supposed to be coming down ); I really hope that he does because I’ll be really upset if he doesnt. He promised that he was taking off work to come and see me, but who knows if that’ll happen. I didnt talk to him last night because I had to go to the Chorus concert, such a waste of time..let me tell you that..haha..Rachel and I talked through all the songs ;x oops, what a bunch of badasses..& then I went to Timmys until like 1015..Came to my house with Kira & didnt get to bed until like 1..so yeah. I hope that he’s still planning on coming, I’ll probably call him tonight if he doesnt call me to find out whats gonna happen. I wanted him to come down Monday night, but he was really tired and didnt wanna because of being sore and shit from work, eek. I’m obsessed ;x Then Friday..I’m supposed to be going shopping with Breanne..I’ll probably end up going to her house after school & doing yoga, haha and then we’ll go get chinese food..we’ve been planning on that forever now..and then going to do a little christmas shopping. Janelle said that if Breanne doesnt want to go, she’ll take me, so things will all work out I hope.

Things are pretty much over between Evan and I. I mean, we havent been dating or anything and we havent been talking all that much, but last night we talked about everything that was going on with us and he said that we’re on a break, which pretty much means that things are over. He said that hes still gonna call and stuff and that he just needs to think about shit, but whatever. If he doesnt, then he doesnt. I’m going to miss him like hell because I care about that kid so much..Honestly, I love him. Its going to be so hard to let go of him, but I found the perfect quote to fit how I feel “I guess I was just a stepping stone in your life to help you find what you wanted, or didnt want..So to prove that I love you and all I want is for you to be happy, I’ll walk away…” I cried when i found it because I know I’m going to miss him so much. I think thats the reason why I couldnt sleep last night. Evan makes me so happy..at least he used to, and I know that I used to make him happy, but I guess that things are over. I hope that he has enough decency to still call and want to be friends, but hes a dick like that, so I doubt he will.

I dont know how things are with me and timmy either. I only see him every once in awhile, but thats because when I’m with him, hes so miserable and he seems like he doesnt wanna be around me. He accuses me of doing drugs, being a slut, sleeping around with random people, lying to him and to everyone else, being a bad role model, getting kira to do drugs, drink & smoke, and I’m just like what the fuck? You’re the one addicted to the drugs, not me. That’s how I know hes still using..because when he wasnt, he wouldnt blame his problems on me, and when he was, he would blame everything on me..even things that I didnt do. He told me a few days ago that he wanted to be with me and shit and that he loved me so much and couldnt live without me and blah blah, all that good stuff & then last night when i was with him, he told me taht I can get as close to him as I want, but it doesnt matter because hes not going to be here. He said hes leaving and he doesnt know when hes coming back because

I dont care about him, and neither does anyone else, so he has no reason to stick around. He kept saying about how he didnt trust himself with other peoples lives, or his own, so he was going to a mental institution. I didnt know what to say to him, Honestly..I just got mad. I got so mad that I didnt even let him walk me to the door. I was so pissed ;x

There was another kid that committed suicide around here, except I didnt know him all that well. He went to our school, but he graduated last year. I’m in the same grade as his sister, and his parents are real big at school & shit, so I knew who he was. He was in college & he shot himself. There was no note or anything, so no one knows exactly why he did it..The most they can think of is because his girlfriend broke up with him. I know that its really stupid and shit to be that upset over that, but some people are just worse than others. RIP Nate RIP

Speaking of other depressing subjects..Tuesday, the 14th, was 3 months since ben’s been gone. I cant even believe how fucking fast time flies by. It seems like it wasnt even a month, I mean, the pain and everything is all still there..It jsut sucks so bad. Usually about 1 or 2 days every 2 weeks, I just freak out and act all psycho and shit. I dont even trust myself when I do it because I’m afraid I’m going to hurt myself. I feel so depressed that I tell myself that I want to kill myself because I just want to be with Ben so bad, but I’d never do that. I havent cut or anything in the longest time, and I dont wanna get back into that swing of things either..its not worth it. But anyways, Im gonna go because I still feel like shit & I wanna smoke a cigarette, maybe eat smoething because I’m a fatty and then get to bed! leave me comments sinec i never get any anymore );