Tuesday Night Fever // xx //

Yeah, so nothings been new. Actucally, a lots been new, but its too much to all write about, so im going to try and keep it short.

I’ve had yet another person in my life pass away. RIP Heath Hassler RIP. He Died of Cancer, so at least it wasnt something extremely tragic and unexpected like it was with Bens. I miss Ben so fucking much, Its unbelievable. I never thought I could miss someone more. When Ben committed suicide, it fucking ruined everything. My life went from being shitty, although at that point, i was in my best state, to being fucking horrible. I still dont know how I’m dealing with it, I guess i’m not really. Its hard to deal everyday with everything. Everything reminds me of him, other people, songs, random words, random food, just the weridest things will remind me of Ben and just get me all depressed for the rest of the day. I’ve been doing my best to try ad point a positive outlook on things, but for now, it doesnt look like its working too well.  I went to see Heath last thursday, and he was sleeping when me and kristen went to see him, which I was rather glad for. We brought him two cards, letting him know that we love him and that we’re here for him and we had a lot of people sign them. He had a tumor so big on his chest that you could see it plain as day when you looked at him, so i’m veyr glad that he was sleeping when we went. Kristen was talking to his dad and all I could do was nod my head the whole time. I couldnt speak. It was like when we went to go see Jael right before he died, I didnt know what to say, and even if I did, I dont think the words would have came out. It sucks, and I wish I could have said more, but It didnt really matter. I was there, and I cared, and thats what mattered.

I’ve been spending a lot of time with Timmy lately, although we’re still not back together. its probably better this way for now anyways. Dont get me wrong, I love the kid to death, I always will & I can definitely see us getting back together sometime, because we act the exact same way and everything, just right now, things wouldnt work. Hes busy with his new job and I’m busy with school, well, trying to be, and just with random things. I dont really have much of a life anymore, all I really do is sit at my house and sleep, but I’ve had so much shit on my mind lately, mostly about ben and confusion between evan and timmy, so yeah. Its okay the way things are for right now. With Evan, I dont know whats going on. I was with him Saturday and Sunday of last week, and I missed him so fucking much, but after spending 2 days with him, I didnt wanna see him. its so fucked up..When I’m with Timmy, I want to be with Evan so bad, When I’m with Evan..I dont want to be with either of them, and when I’m by myself, I just want to be with Timmy. I dont understand. Oh well, I’m supposed to be going to hang out with Evan tomorrow, but I guess we’ll just have to see what happens. Tonight, I hung out with Curt though (; Hes definitely my best friend, and I dont know what I would do without him. I love him to death, and I definitely have feelings for him, but they’re not major and nothing would ever come out of it..although we definitely made out tonight, like 3 times, it was great. We held hands and just layed together and talked and kissed for like 3 hours, haha. It was wonderful, I only wish that I could be with him. It would never work out though, Curt and I are better off as friends because we’re two completely, and when i Say completely, i mean COMPLETELY different people. Although we do agree on a lot of the same things and we have the same outlook on a lot of things, we’re just different in too many other ways. Its okay though, I love him as my best friend<3

I miss spending time with Kira, I never see her anymore. For about a month and a half, I spent every single day with her. Everyday, she would come over to my house and spend the night, we wouldnt really see each other in school that much, but I would see her right after school and then we’d spend the rest of the night together. it was really great, and i loved it. I had so much fun, even if we didnt talk every minute that we were together and shit. We both would do our seperate things and it was still wonderful. Now that shes been spending more time at home and I’ve been hanging out with Curt, Timmy, Evan and whoever lately, I havent gotten to see her and it sucks ); I think that might be one of the reasons why I’m so depressed lately, I dont know. When I’m up at Timmys though, Margie is constantly talking about she cant stand Kira and Kira this and Kira that and then her mom gets into it, and her mom doesnt really stand there and talk shit on her or anything, she just says that she doesnt like Kira all that much and that Kira isnt really a good friend and shit and yeah, It makes me feel like shit, I stand up for Kira, but prolly not as much as I should, and that makes me feel mroe like shit. I dont know, it doesnt really matter though what they have to say. Shes my best friend and I love her no matter what anyone says about her.

Alright well im out for now. I’ll write again soon<3 Later Loves